Forums › Drugs › Quitting, Rehab & Detox › Coming Off Heroin: E-Babe’s Rehab Diary
Hi,
I am a 29 year old male in the Thames Valley area. I am an Opiate addict currently on Methodone. I was never abused as a child and I have a loving familly. We would be the statistical example (2.4 children, 2 cars nearing 3 etc). I am gay, but don’t let that determin why I turned to heroin in the first place.
I got into drugs by peer pressure. I always hanged arround with older kids than me when I was younger, they were more interesting and sensible than people of my age. I started smoking pot at 13, speed at 14. My school was shite, because I was gay I was a prime target for verbal abuse – but I never let it get to me. LSD and then Extasy was the next drug of choice. For a solid 3 years every weekend I ate pills and speed and then got onto selling them to make even more friends. The trick worked. Towards the end of my party lifestyle (aged 19ish) I became parranoid. For sometime after stopping all chemicals and pot I was still parranoid – There was no end. My partner at the time asked to borrow my car to score – I pressured him to tell me what he was getting – Heroin. I passed him £15 and I drove him to go and get it. That was my first time smoking heroin and I loved it. My parranoia stopped sudenly and I felt good about myself. OK, I was sick everwhere but that was a small price to pay when you are finally happy.
Every weekend I did smack. Then I would do some on the Monday and then on Wednesday until I started to have stomach cramps, constipation, tears streaming from my eyes (detox symptom). it took over my life. I stole from my familly, did crime to fund my habit and sold drugs to fund my addiction.
Now, I have a criminal record and not much to show for a 29 year old man.
I aim to enusre that people out there are aware of what troubles Heroin addiction or indeed any opiate could do. I don’t want this to appear like a public confession either rather just my experience and if someone like a concerned parent, friend of someone who is an addict or if the person reading this themselves are addicts then I hope you will take something positive from my experience and apply it to your lives.
Here is my diary for the time I was in hospital:
For those of you who need assistance in the first instance you need to approach your Doctor and tell them you are using drugs and you want to come off. The Doctor will refer you to a Drug Agency, these are the people who network with you and to ensure that you do well etc. Between the Doctor and Drug Agency they will come up with a plan dependant on your information. They ask for a unine test to see what drugs you have taken and they ask for Blood samples to check that your minerals are correct (JUST TO ADIVSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS PROCESS, THEY DO NOT CHECK FOR HEPATITIS C NOR HIV/AIDS, THIS IS A SEPERATE TEST). Once this has been done you are often invited back to the Drug Agency and your options will be explored. A contract is designed and you go on your merry way back to the Doctors and get your script. In the meantime I was meant to keep down a job. Sounds tough hey?
I had been clean from Heroin for sometime and using methodone, the legal substitute. I was doing well. It took one day for me to say “I have had enough” and I was going to give up. On this day I had to use heroin because the chemist made a cock up with the perscriptions and in effect, I had ran out.
I was upset to say the least. I informed the Doctor that I used and a new prescription was given to me.
With the fact that I used and feeling a failure I decided to give up. I looked at all options open to me and the realistic choice was “in patient detox”.
I had visions of a typical movie where mad people walking arround the wards and tranquiliser darts flew from one place to another.
All this was arranged between myself and my key worker. Dates were exchanged and I was due in on Monday 11th july 2005.
I was told to cut down my methodone to 25mls. I was given a leaflet explaining the ward and its routines.
The day before I went in, I used Heroin. One last blow out and it gives me a day off taking the methodone so perhaps I could be a day ahead, I thought to myself.
I woke up arround 10.30 and done the usual things to make myself more presentable. I was starting to detox since my last hit yesterday. I didnt do any methodone because I wanted to get ahead of myself before I went in for my 10 day detox. They say that smack is easier to come off than methadone, but we shall see.
My flatmate and his girlfriend were not too concerned, perhaps because they have heard this all before its the old “yes, I’ll get clean… after this hit” or the constant bullshit to get another £10 up for the next fix. Those excuses have been done to death and I’m not surprised.
My friend drove from Reading to pick me up. The day was hot and sunny and has been for a while. We sat and drank coffee in Newbury where I live. I was sweating buckets, goosebumps, the lot. But I kept a siff upper lip and pretended that it wasnt all that bad.
My friend is an ex impatient who I met whilst I was doing my job. So she knew exactly what to expect. I was lucky and always have been. It didnt seem real until I got to Prospect park Hospital. The sudden realisation that you are going to hospital to sort yourself out was enough to make me go for a piss. Talk about nerves. Opiates hide your emotions and true feelings. When you start coming off, it all comes flooding back, but with a vengence.
When you antiscipate something you get butterflys in your stomach. With heroin, just before you are about to use, your cluck suddenly gets worse before you do it and then suddenly gets better the instant before you use it.
I walk into a ward which is locked so I am now stuck on the ward with no escape. I have to sit for sometime before I am seen by the hospital Pschiatric Doctor. My cluck was worsening. To the stage now that I am no longer constipated and every pull on my cigarette makes me want to puke. My clothes were soaked with sweat and I am starting to smell.
It took a couple of hours to see the Doc – but I was greeted with a smile and two rather nice nurses. We discussed drug history and how I did them. I was checked all over from eyes, to heart, to muscle movement. A full medical. We talked about self harm and any posible dangers to others and myself. It was during the medical that something was wrong with my heart.
I was due to be prescribed Lofexidine. Aparently, it can reduce blood pressure and this could be dangerous to me with an irregular heart beat. The ECG machine was knackered so we had to wait. The option open to the Doctor was to either give me methodone or risk the lofexidine – we started with the lofexidine and I was ok.
Lofexidine makes you very drousy and lethargic – its not nice. As a result I was on observation making sure that I was ok.
My room was nice, shower, toilet, my own room, bed, side cabinet and cupboard. It was like a hotel, but a cheap one. I fell asleep after a shower and was woken up for dinner. When you are clucking, I cant eat. Everyones symptoms are different but this was one of mine.
medication was given out at set times and the next time was 10PM. I was given Ibruprofen for the aches (and boys and girls it does help with the muscle tension if you try to relax).
I had made some acquantances by now and felt a little more at home. I was finding out about people and my first impression of this was much better than my pre-conception. I apologise.
I couldnt sleep. At 4am I woke up one of the nurses and he gives me a 5mg vallium – which wouldnt work because I use to eat plenty of them. I didnt sleep a wink and that is the worst part of coming off opiates. if you could sleep, it would be far less painful. Lets see what tomorrow has in store for me.
When you are seriously clucking from opiates your legs are really stiff and achy. As a result “Kicking – the – habit” comes from the movement you make when detoxing. I was kicking my legs and punching things to make a destraction from any other pains. it didnt work.
I wanted to go home.
I was called on at 0800 for medication, I still felt shit and achy.
I managed to talk to my key worker who came in to see me and the pain has been so much that I decided to run into a brick wall and bash my head as many times as I could to knock myself out. I was grabbed and took into a room with my key nurse and my key worker. All my emotions were coming out and I couldnt stop crying, but the pain had gone for a moment – a sigh of relief.
They doubled my dose of lofexidine and gave me vallium when needed a maximum of 10mg 3x’s a day. I was a little happier knowing I could pop some pills to get wrecked. I was also given something which sounded like Loperimide, which helps with the stomach cramps.
By now I havent eaten for some time nor was I drinking in this hot weather. I was frightend to eat in case I shit and I was scared of drinking because it was making me sick.
By now I’ve made friends and the people I met weren’t nutters or dribbling wrecks, they seemed very decent people.
It was about 0300 in the morning and I asked for the loperimide to help with the cramps – I havent slept, eaten etc. I was refused it and I stormed off swearing, shouting and punching walls and doors. he came back and appologised and realsied he made a mistake.
I dont like it when I get angry – so that was a nice decent way to express it rather than punching is lights out.
No sleep again.
Yesterdays talks with my key nurse and drug worker paid off. They increased my medication to maximum dose. Including vallium. I was happier because I’ve self medicated for years and as a result I knew my painds would slowly disapear under a dose of medication.
I was woken up at 0600 today. Since the medication has been increased this means that I get woke up early and go to bed late. 8x’s a day I think it was. But since I havent slept yet, I’m starting to go into Psychosis. Things are trippy, I keep seeing shadows at the corner of my eyes and I becomming detatched from the people Ive just met. The weather is unbearable. Its hot during the day and at night. The windows wont open apart from an inch or two – just in case you want to hang yourself, you cant.
My symptoms have eased off. I still find my bones are aching and I occasionally yawn. But the thing that does your head in the most is the shits. Ive been crapping about 10 – 15x’s a day. But its not solid, its watery and everytime I wipe my butt, it gets sore, and its now at the stage that I’m bleeding from wiping. I still havent eaten, so what could be leaving my stomach?
I’m still cold, the but the sun helps keeping warm. The pain is bearable now. Ibuprofen actually eases my pains in my joints. The Zopiclone last night (15mg) didnt make me sleep. I asked to see the Doctor to change my sleeping and for an anti-depressant. I asked for Trazadone Hydrochloride and I got it – sheer bliss I thought. I can sleep tonight I thought to myself.
I’m currently on a secure ward. To get in and out you either need someone to escort you or you were allowed on your own. It depends on what section of the mental health act you are held under. I was voluntary so technically I am allowed out. I wasnt ready yet. To keepy myself occupied I smoked, listend to my MP3 player which had techno, techno and lots more techno – it keeps me happy, talk to people often with mental health issues.
I found something that I lost a lkong time ago. With Heroin you lose your intrest in all things. Nothing else matters. You stop doing the fun chemicals, you stop smoking pot because it made you parranoid, you no longer buy your fave magazine because you need that £3.80 to put towards a bag of smack. Today I finally found that smoking pot helped with my pains, my anxiety from no methadone was washed away by the 5th toke. It was like a wave had hit me and I was cured – temporary of course.
I’ve decided to eat today. 2 pieces of toast. Its a start. But when your clucking you don’t want to eat. You dont want to drink. You dont want to shower. I dont know about other opiate addicts but I cant even let water touch my face when im detoxing.
The trazadone had a wickid effect. I was literally pinned down to my ded. I couldnt move. The tranquiliser worked. I slept a little but it was well worth it.
I woke up at 0500 and as any opiate knows when you wake up thats when your clucking the most. If you had a hit before sleep, its worn off when you wake up, the same as meths and the same for me today.
I feel heavy. I feel weak at the knees. I’m allowed out on my own today. Ive done my 3 days inside and now I can take a walk to the shops. I take 3 attempts in doing so. I keep sitting down catching my breath. Something isnt right. I keep telling the nurses but they dont seem concerned.
Everytime I had my meds Ive been monitored for Blood pressure and heart rate. Its slightly low and if it falls too low Im not allowed my meds because Lofexidine is dangerous. It can lower your blood pressure too much.
Its a short day for me today. Im too weak. WOnt eat, my arse still bleeds but im showering every time I go to the toilet in case its a bug or something.
I sleep until the next day.
I wake up at 0600 by a nurse for my medication. I’m the first to get up in the ward because of this. My blood pressure is too low for the medication and Im still weak. I can hardly walk and everything spins when I look at things. My heart rate is low too. 42, 40, 45, 60. The Doctor calls 999 for me and I’m oxygened up. I’m clucking bad and Im worried because they wont give me my meds and I know this will take the pain away but im refused everything. Even paracetamol.
I’m placed on a “crash” bed. The Doctor tried to get blood from me for tests but there was little due to damaged veins. I’m rushed to Royal Berks Hospital and placed into a CDU ward or Clinical Decision Unit. My head spins with what is going on and I cant believe that this is happening to me. The shock was enough to make me light headed. Reality is hitting me hard now. This is not over. I can see that coming off is more hard work.
I was met by a doctor sometime later. My pain was mainly from clucking heightend by anxiety. The Doctor visited me and was somewhat stand offish. I presume this is from my self abuse from injecting and he thinks that I put myself here. I tell him my background and what happend. He wants more blood from me but with no success. He wants to go in my groin and I refuse on the basis that Ive never gone there and I fear what could happen if someone was to show me where to go. He explains that I am able to refuse any treatment and I ask him again to go elsewhere. Success but there was again little blood for a ten minute vampire suck on my veins. The blood test was to check mineral levels and the ones at Psychiatric Hospital was for viruses like HIV/AIDS and Hepatitus C.
After about 2 hours the tests came back fine and Im sent back home with a note confirming that my medication should be reduced. The combination of vallium, Lofexidine, Trazadone reduced my BP to a point that my body couldnt pump blood. Im also told by the top cardiologist that I have an extra heart beat which does nothing and I can lead a normal life.
I pass the notes after a short taxi ride paid by the hospital and I cant wait for meds. They refused and said that I am to wait and see a Doctor later just in case.
At midnight I have another check up and they now call out Westcall. I run arround the hospital, drink coffee and jump arround to increase my heart rate. It didnt work and the Doctor recommended no medication.
I go to bed and I am put on a 15 minute observation where I am constantly monitored. I am not allowed out and I am held under a part of the mental health act for my own safety.
I wake up and was amazed that no drugs were needed to sleep or take any pain away. I dont ache as much, the sun is really hot and I feel good.
I complain all day about my head buzzing – feeling like my brain cells were popping. They wouldnt even give me a paracetamol for it because of yesterdays incident and calling out the Doctor in the middle of the night due to low blood pressure again.
Im playing pool, joking about being the extrovert person I am. I was rushing about, felt like I was speeding.
A fight breaks out and a few guards come when the security cord gets pulled and restraints get tied to the neccessary people. I just decide not to watch and walk away into the garden where I collapsed and went into shock. Semi coincious state I remember and also I remember my whole body being cold and I get caked in sweat within a few minutes. I got took to A&E in RBH, Reading where I just laid and complained that I haven been given my vallium or any pain killers. im sent home in a taxi and hour or so later.
Its quite traumatic to think that the day before they thought my heart was gonna pack up and today this happens. Im 28 for Gods sake!! THIS JUST CANT BE HAPPENING TO ME, I thought.
I dont want to write anymore about today. it just goes, smoking, talking, smoking, talking and eating the odd bit of toast. its the same every day in here.
Its my birthday today. But im inside and most of my mates are all crack heads or smack heads so they wont bother visiting. My family lives in Spain so nor will they.
Im still on 15 minute observations so smoking joints is getting harder and harder. I nearly get caught by a couple of nurses smoking but they just seem to act DUMB, but the smirk on one of the faces you just knew.
I’ve neglected to tell you that I made some really good friends in there. Especially with the nurses. The girl I liked the most was someone called “T” I wont mention her full name. She makes me laugh, smile and kicks my ass when I feel like giving up. Since I cant leave unescorted anymore she walked with me to get my hair cut and get the mohawk tidied up somewhat.
Dinnertime comes – I think I mentioned that when you come off gear or meths your senses start coming back. So the STENCH from the kitchen was a put off. I just wanted toast but T pulled me into the kitchen, I got food and started to eat.
T came out with a MASSIVE birthday cake and everyone sang happy birthday to me. Lets just say that when you think you are alone in this world and you wonder why you exist, then perhaps we should all think of the happy moments in our lives. It got me through today!
No more surprises now. I due to go home in 2 days.
The pains have pretty much subsided. Paracetamol and Ibuprofen eases my aches and pains. I still have a sore asshole and I havent had a solid poo for ages. Its getting tedius.
I call my familly and make peace with my sister and apologise to her for being such the black sheep of the family. She breaks down crying as I do and we slowly patch things up. My parents light a candle for me nightly and pray for me – my parents are not religious but recent spells to their lives have given them cause to believe in something.
My days are all spent, playing the computer, smoking, chatting and that is it. It feels like an open prison i assume (never been to jail you see but I imagine this is like an open prison).
I get brought into a room with a Doctor. I am told I tested positive. For Hepatitis C Antibodies which means I have been in contact with the virus at some stage but there is not enough of the virus to look at it. Like my heart I am given very little information and no follow up as to my conditions. What does this mean for me? Can I lead a normal life? It apears that no one can answer my questions.
I start to abuse my valium by asking for them regulary, saving them up and boshing them all in one just to help with the forgetting part.
I call work and tell them that I am in Hospital and that I will not be coming back to work on Thursday. It seems that the hospital wants me to stay until Friday because of my instabillity last week. I agreed and used this as an excuse but I didnt tell them I was in for detox.
I am escorted out of the building and was allowed to walk and breathe the fresh air and feel freedom.
Im pretty much cured i feel. Sleep patterns are coming, Im only a little cold, I have no goose bumps and Im eating more and more toast. I finally have my 1st solid poo. :bigsmile:
Im still abusing the vallium while im here, I may as well, there is nothing else to do.
Again, chatting, internet, smoking pot and ciggies and someone even smuggled me a beer in as a belated gift for my birthday. A guy next door to me knocks on my door at night and we sit in my room smoking. An asian guy who lives in Reading. One thing lead to another and it kept leading there again until I left on Friday.
By god my hormones have come back. Errections galore today and it was all sorted by a little talking and mutual friendship. :horay:
my mood swings to happiness and optimism when I get out.
I take a look at my bank details and ive never seen so much money in there. No food to fork out, no piss ups etc, Ive saved up a lot of money! This is looking good having money and no heroin.
I start buying myself DVD’s, CD’s clothes from my escorted walks. Its about time I looked after myself.
I buy a chineese. I eat the whole lot, no complaints. I can honestly say that I am feeling myself again. But it feels weird everytime I go out of the hospital. I feel a stranger to society. I feel…no so enclosed anymore. I feel anonomous. This is strange and Im not used to it.
I find myself looking forward to Friday and so my entries will get shorter and shorter. No clucky feelings. Feel Good. Sleeping aided my sleeping tablets, what can I say?
All im saying is im looking forward to go home.
My and a friend plot tomorrow by getting pissed before I go home. :horay:
Its weird, you cant get any new drugs unless you see the Doctor and your Doctor may not be in that day. My doctor gave me my discharge notes and says that I should complete the course of Naltrexone for 6 months and continue with the Trazadone. I SQUEEZE out a weeks worth of vallium. :horay:
Me and this girl go straight to ASDA, get wine and vodka and proceed to get pissed in the park and I swallow plenty of vallium. I managed to get home where no one was there to congratulate me or anything.
It felt like, well, as if ive done nothing, no well done, no congrats, no happy belated birthday.
This is where the real work starts
Today Im now back on Methodone maintainance because I went back to Heroin due to depression. I used heroin for a very short time before I knew I was in trouble again.
All that pain and trauma I went through and now Im back on maintainance methodone. I dont even get urine tested anymore. They just give me my methodone.
I ditched all my using friends and deleted all their numbers from my phones, diaries and so on. I’ve changed my associates to vertually zero. I don’t like talking about gear when someone is in the room I ask them to take the conversation elsewhere. In otherwords I remove myself now from the temptation. All that is there to do is move away from this area and start afresh after my treatments and get the support I need right now to deal with my illness.
I’m also going through councilling at the moment, but Im not finding whinging at someone for an hour any use at all. I’ve had a quick relationship and im on benefits. The money is terrible but im not ready for work either.
I say to people that you are able to come off heroin but the substitutes, particulary methodone ive found impossible to come off.
Now Im a new person. Ive had to re-invent myself. re-identify myself, explore these new emotions and thoughts.
I just hope that what you have read here today assist you in some way.
PLUR
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Forums › Drugs › Quitting, Rehab & Detox › Coming Off Heroin: E-Babe’s Rehab Diary
