Forums › Life › Health & Medicine › Depression › Crisis Thread
Hey Vibers.
I’m starting this thread cos at the moment I’m havin a real tough time with my fluctuating mental health. I don’t necessarily expect any useful advice in return I simply want to unload. It all started when I was an infant, my biological father left when I was very young and was replaced to put it politely by an utter cunt of a step dad. He soon had a child with my mum meaning I had a brother 5 years younger than me. My stepfather soon made it apparent I wasn’t welcome in his ideal family as I wasn’t his blood. For about a decade I put up with him telling me I was useless and a waste of space, as a kid you don’t resist and it slowly sank in even though I didn’t want to believe it. He was calculated and only ever subjected me to this psychological abuse when my mother wasn’t around and when I tried telling her how bad I felt her response was you’re a hormonal teen it will pass. When I was 15 I snapped one day and punched him busting his nose, the abuse stopped but the damage was done. Ever since I’ve suffered periods of extreme depression and have attempted suicide once though many years ago. Also when alone I suffer fits of rage (obviously my undealt with issues manifesting). It’s like a switch in my brain flicks without any or the smallest of triggers and I trash the house. Some of you will have already seen a couple of posts regarding this but lately is becoming more intense and frequent. I’m pretty scared that at some point I’m just going to snap and if not hurt myself hurt someone else. It feels as though a lot of my sadness is turning to anger. I am already seeing a psychiatrist btw. But what do peeps think? And sorry for the morbid post.
Hey mate, I know where you’re coming from. When you suffer childhood trauma like that it can have a profound effect on your mind and cause feelings of depression and/or guilt. This is obviously an assumption, but I reckon sometimes you might feel “the world would be better off without me since no one cares anyway” or feel like taking out your hurt on others. But you always gotta remember that there are people who will be affected by your actions. Not only this, but even though your illness may be powerful, you can always beat it, with meds or without. If you don’t mind me asking, are you on any medications at the moment? If so, which? If you’d rather not say that’s fine but I know that certain types of anti-depressants for example can make stuff slightly worse at times. My mum had some pretty bad effects on prozac for example.
Just remember to keep the faith. It gets better.
Don’t ever feel alone mate, I’m pretty sure everyone here at PV would be here for you if you needed to unload!
@The Psyientist 502146 wrote:
But what do peeps think? And sorry for the morbid post.
I think you are doing the best you can to come to terms with a rough start in life.
I think you are not the same person who snapped and punched their step-Dad on the nose. And I can see why you did it, and you’re certainly not the only teenager who got angry with a parent.
I think that now you recognise when you are angry, and have learned some coping methods. If you don’t know these yet, it’s my attempt to help;-
1) When angry, concentrate on your breathing. You need oxygen. If you keep talking, stressed out, the body stresses you to get more oxygen. So just by making sure you are breathing deep, you are helping to calm yourself.
2) When other people are angry, maintain your composure. Don’t let them “drag you into their drama”. That doesn’t mean you have to ignore them – sometimes that can be seen as an insult, a “disrespect”. A good opener is “I can see that you are angry. What made you angry? Was it something I did?” which lets them get their little episode off their chest. Most dramas are NOT life threatening, and people use drama to gain sympathy. Snag is, people have a self defence against this (ignorance) which in itself can lead to conflict.
3) Gain inspiration from others who have had a tough time in life. One particular golden source for me was “McIndoe’s Army”, which listed the lives of a few of the hundreds of WW2 servicemen who had received severe burns and other disfigurements and had to learn to accept what the plastic surgeon of the day (McIndoe himself) could and could not do to alleviate their suffering.
“Jah made us all to hurt”. We are all vulnerable to feeling pain, both in ourselves and in others (empathy).
“Jah made us all to heal”. Human beings are incredibly adaptable, hard to kill, and have a huge capacity for change, both themselves and their environment.
Now, the next bit is a theoretical model, based on fiction, but it’s quite a useful model. Think of there being 4 basic ways human beings interact;-
1) Physical, emotional, or psychological bullying or intimidation. Threats. Put downs. All down to instill fear.
2) The reverse of the above is “Poor me”. “Hey! I don’t deserve your shit. I get plenty of hard times from other people. Why you giving me a hard time?”
3) Interrogation – asking questions – can also allow a flow of information. Sometimes it’s just sharing the horrible facts that make us feel better, and a skilled interogator can find the right questions to get to root causes – sometimes just the perceived root cause, often the real root cause is too horrible or just too silly to share.
4) Aloofness – the reverse of the above is to not answer questions, to not interact, to remain aloof. The snag with aloofs is (and I’ve overused this strategy often) is that it doesn’t allow change or growth, it’s kind of pure ignorance of any kind of problem.
awwww :/
i dont feel like i have any knowledge that will help, but i hope it works out… but i think that being open enough to write this on a forum shows you may be open enough to deal with your issues in a good way… i find exercise is very good for state of mind… cant imagine getting too angry after some nice natural endorphins
edit: actually i was just thinking that rage in a way is something quite cathartic… maybe it is a function that has some use when something really devastating happens… cos when you have rage there is normally calm after, a reflective moment. when my dad died i cried a lot, and after a while I realised it was helping… i think the outward expression of emotion can be beneficial, just somehow we learn purging that is not useful or not appropriate to the situation we’re in… this is a learned habit that you simply unlearn. unlearning may be a bit like swimming against the tide, but it can always be done if you have the desire/love… maybe as said before, focus on the people that love you that you dont want to suffer
@know_hope 502157 wrote:
awwww :/
i dont feel like i have any knowledge that will help, but i hope it works out… but i think that being open enough to write this on a forum shows you may be open enough to deal with your issues in a good way… i find exercise is very good for state of mind… cant imagine getting too angry after some nice natural endorphins
edit: actually i was just thinking that rage in a way is something quite cathartic… maybe it is a function that has some use when something really devastating happens… cos when you have rage there is normally calm after, a reflective moment. when my dad died i cried a lot, and after a while I realised it was helping… i think the outward expression of emotion can be beneficial, just somehow we learn purging that is not useful or not appropriate to the situation we’re in… this is a learned habit that you simply unlearn. unlearning may be a bit like swimming against the tide, but it can always be done if you have the desire/love… maybe as said before, focus on the people that love you that you dont want to suffer
Yeah the anger simmers then erupts but after I’ve demolished something whether it’s a cup against the wall or baseball bat through the t.v. I always feelbbetter afterward. And curiously no remorse for the loss of whatever I destroyed. Which is strange as by nature I’m an emphatic and sympathetic person. It’s literally like I go hulk mood and my brain function completely flips.
@barrettone 502149 wrote:
Hey mate, I know where you’re coming from. When you suffer childhood trauma like that it can have a profound effect on your mind and cause feelings of depression and/or guilt. This is obviously an assumption, but I reckon sometimes you might feel “the world would be better off without me since no one cares anyway” or feel like taking out your hurt on others. But you always gotta remember that there are people who will be affected by your actions. Not only this, but even though your illness may be powerful, you can always beat it, with meds or without. If you don’t mind me asking, are you on any medications at the moment? If so, which? If you’d rather not say that’s fine but I know that certain types of anti-depressants for example can make stuff slightly worse at times. My mum had some pretty bad effects on prozac for example.
Just remember to keep the faith. It gets better.
As it’s only a recent diagnosis they’ve only really tried me with a couple of sleepers to treat my insomnia. I did zopiclone too for about a fortnight before refusing to take it due to minor negative side affects.
even in a decent family background like I had this is suprisingly normal for young men growing up (especially those what do drugs). although my biological father did stay with mum and the family until he died (from serious long term illness) and he was a good man there was a lot of conflict between us at some times in my life and had he not been unwell I would have responded harder. though today I realise he must have been dealing with the culture/identity shock – today it is cool and normal to be both English and Asian but not in his time….
The only thing I did different was I would not trash stuff me or my family had paid for, but would pass the pain onto others I felt were suitable targets – I was very rarely agressive or violent to people and never to animals, but would think nothing of trying to set fire to a bus shelter or wheeled bin (away from houses), there were things I did in the 80s what would get a Asian boy sent to anti terrorist prison (though never targeted to hurt people) or I would steal various items from organisations I felt “deserved it”.
I’m not trying to imply I was Robin Hood or anything like that, it was far darker, the only reason I didn’t do full on aggression is because I am not a big physicaly hard man though I can “look after myself”, but if I was in a serious physical fight I’d have no problem about using any weapon possible to disable or kill my opponent, and am also aware of various psychological warfare tactics.
And the only reason I do not act like a “gangster” is simply because modern forensics and surveillance are good and prison and mental health detention is boring and shit, not because of “good” moral values. (but I did also have some relatives who work in mental health and have given me guidance). Also thinking “if I get arrested and sent to prison my family will be shamed” does keep me on the right track a lot. If you need to see mental health professionalls then do so (better than them coming for you which is what eventually happens if you kick off in the family home and the rest of your family dial nines as they genuinely can’t hope, sadly it happens loads to people young and old)
But I try and lead a peaceful path in life, and surprisingly have very few enemies (I haven’t killed them all before anyone starts worrying). A while back this Muslim dude from PK I worked with asked me (as we are both obviously British Asian) about faith and whether I was a Zen Buddhist or similar as he said that I gave off this aura of being very peaceful, which suprised and amused me, but I said to him the real reason was it was in our boring office job, and at the weekend I then ran raves and helped people crack squats and so this stuff in the office was hardly worth stressing about.
He burst out laughing and then “confessed” to a secret desire for Dutch Gabba and reggae (its not totally haraam for him but music must not be a distraction from other life duties)
Thanks for everyone’s helpful and supporting answers. Feel better now I’ve had a bit of a verbal bitch fit. Will keep you updated and if anybody else wants to utilize the thread to get a chip of there shoulder feel free.
I love you guys
@General Lighting 502173 wrote:
But I try and lead a peaceful path in life, and surprisingly have very few enemies (I haven’t killed them all before anyone starts worrying).[/quote]
“He who has a thousand friends
Has not a friend to spare
But he who has one enemy
Will find them everywhere.” – Abu Talib@General Lighting 502173 wrote:
He burst out laughing and then “confessed” to a secret desire for Dutch Gabba and reggae (its not totally haraam for him but music must not be a distraction from other life duties)
The Prophet did actualise view dancers and entertainers as being useful and praiseworthy, if their performances did not lead others into error. I guess technically that makes me a very bad Muslim sometimes. Ah well, the Most High judges…
Sounds like you’re having a tough time mate, not really got too much advice to offer short of repeating what some of the others have said, think they’ve collectively summed it up pretty nicely. Good to know you’re a bit calmer now too, all the best man.
Hey PSy, sounds like you have had a pretty shit start to life, so I’m not surprised you have had difficulties, you didn’t ask to be born in to that family, and any child that experienced that would find it tough, but it doesnt mean the rest of your life is gonna be shit, and it sounds as if you are really trying and this is all you can ask of yourself, the past has happened and you need to live with what you experienced and be kind and compassionate to yourself, baby steps if needs be.
I’ve not read it but this book yet but it may help (its got good reviews) Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Amazon.co.uk: Helen Kennerley: Books
worth talking to some one more in depth than out patient psych review?
http://www.lancashirecare.nhs.uk/Services/Adult-Mental-Health/IAPT.php
stay safe
You can grow past serious childhood trauma. It takes time but it can done. So hang in there you won’t always feel like this.
Not sure if I can add anything to what others have already said, but my thoughts are with anyone who’s feeling trapped inside their own mind for whatever reason. And make sure you have a big fuckoff bonfire next weekend, that’s bound to help. Preferably with a big effigy of your stepdad made out of a blow-up sex doll sat on top of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWvgETOo5ek
Comic relief always helps : )
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Forums › Life › Health & Medicine › Depression › Crisis Thread
