well its quite a few hours since your post so i guess the decision was made… hope you’re ok.
from your posts so far, it sounds like you’re addicted to suffering… its nothing to feel bad with yourself about. its quite common in teen/early adult years (and on sadly for some). i was in some way similar for a while. but like any addiction you have to put energy in if you want to leave, walk against the tide to get out. to do this tho, you have to be able to look yourself sincerely in the eye and realise that, although there may be a multitude of external things that are not to your liking, you’re disposition is 100% illusory, of your own making and at any moment you can snap your fingers and leave. for many people they don’t want this, they find comfort in this state (as i did)… but life can be anything, anything at all. its just up to you. this, your life, how you are feeling is what you have chosen to feel. that may sound harsh because we all have different life stories, some more challenging than others, but you always choose how you react to things. some people can’t understand this because they react to everything, but you always have a choice. when you’re young you’re understanding of this is at its weakest because you’ve had least experience of external potential stress, but if you start trying to make more loving decisions you’ll notice change coming into your life… one nice spin is that people with a lot of pain find they have a lot of energy when they alleviate their suffering.
also this type of suffering is far more common in plutonomic societies. some countries have a dense energy and its easy to become reactive to it. as in one of your other posts you suggested you may like to leave usa. maybe thats a good idea when the time comes. but until that time is possible, try to look within yourself for solutions. although i’d say to do everything you can with love, try also to become a bit more like a machine. use logic. what is the simple solution to your problem? what is the shortest route to get there? this is the opposite of emotions which are looking to inflate and exaggerate the potential stresses you are reacting to.
if you feel like self harming again, or even suicidal, make sure you give yourself a moment of space before you commit to anything; a moment where you are in the moment, not in your emotions. listen to the sounds around you and listen and feel your body. focus your attention to one part of your body, maybe your hands and feel the life energy running though it.
i would recommend looking to accept things you can’t change to alleviate stress, rather than inflicting negativity upon yourself.
hope you can learn to love yourself and feel better. peace x
