Forums › The Vibe › Introductions › Slight Introduction To My Addiction Conflictions
I Hope Whatever Magical Force Brought You Here I Hope It Helps You Read My Full Introduction, I Hope
There is too much to say about myself that may or may not fit into this introduction I am giving you, but make something too long then most people will just skim or not read it at all. So to start off my real name is Brett and “Brethus” ((Breath – Us )) came about when a few high, drunk friends blurted it out and it just stuck for years after.
Now, anyway I have another account, Brethus, on Shroomery but have discontinued it because I wasn’t online for awhile so I figured it’d be best if I started fresh and cleaned my slate.
So anyways, as a psychedelic aficionado and hallucinogenic enthusiast, I have come to an absolute conclusion that without the influence of psychedelics I would not be who I am today. No other influence has made me feel they way hallucinogens do, and no other substance has altered my mind to a state of enlightenment and self realization. Psilocybin has made me realize that there is a deeper meaning to life than eat, work, sleep, repeat, but to also enjoy yourself and do what makes you happy. At one point in my life during the Summer when I was 16, I went on an acid binge which I denied accusations of addictions and dependency but deep down I knew I was in love and wanted to take it anytime I could. From about May 20th to September 10th each two to three days I would take either between 2 and 4 hits of acid to enjoy everyday I could.
In hind-sight I believe that binge is responsible for a self-diagnosed case of HPPD which didn’t halt my LSD use.
I can now say I was addicted to the high, but really I just wanted to trip so I could think of the present and not the past experiences that were bringing me into a depression. My depression began when my grandfather; my teacher, my father-figure, my idol, passed away from cancer from smoking for most of his adult life. At that time I never lost someone so near and dear to me that shifted my mind like his death did until recently when my grandmother passed away from heart problems.
With my mind being emotionally torn with the passing of my grandfather, I started to lash out and stop caring about school and the whole 9 yards. I didn’t bully kids or tear up the town, but at 16 I started smoking weed very heavily at my grandmother’s house when I lived with her which caused major problems.
I started throwing parties and taking advantage of my grandmother’s hearing problem by having friend’s over when she fell asleep. We would drink and smoke inside the house while we were all under-age and not giving a shit about the law. All while bringing paraphernalia and eventually shrooms into the house. As time passed my father became aware of my habits and started breaking all my pieces and taking my things away when I didn’t hide them well enough. This happened more and more for a year or so until I was kicked out for stealing money from my grandmother and using her car when I didn’t have a license.
Although I acted as a stupid kid looking to get high my intention was not to use my grandmother but rather be safe under her roof and never go out and get caught by the police, which I never have. Unfortunately, my father saw it as me turning his mother’s house into a trap house and not acting responsible.
But every single day I lived there I helped her get by with daily activities due to complications with muscular distrophy and heart problems. I loved her but in the end when she passed away from heart problems, I fell back into another drug binge.
I rented out her house from my father when she passed away and lived there with four friends. Me and my best friend had minimum wage jobs while one was our weed dealer and the other was just a lazy friend mooching from the house and weed. I smoked weed to be happy and only think of the fun times I was having but when LSD and Ecstasy came into the mix, my depression got even worse due to the crashing on LSD and X made me think about how horrible I was towards my grandmother. I disappointed her until death and I never got to say sorry, goodbye, or I love you because my old boss made me work the day she died when I specifically asked off for that day.
As of now I reside with my friend and his fiance still in depression over the things I’ve done, but as the days go by I can’t seem to reason with myself on why I was such a bastard or why I never realized how important my decisions were. I’ve written a total of 3 suicide notes but never had the guts to end it all, which I am happy for. But the thought is always in my mind that all this shit in my head always comes crashing down on me at times, even during sobriety.
All I know is that I’m pushing to live for the sake of my family still left alive. One time a day or multiple times I will try to be posting to my journal on here, to tell more of my story. If you read all this there is so much more to my story than what I could tell for the community.
welcome 🙂 – thanks for sharing the story; its important that even if it isn’t always good news/fun we share our experiences. although I had to look up what a trap house was – its not (yet) such a common term in British/European English a lot of these feelings/experiences are common to all of us in similar cultures.
Not being a medically trained person I would have used the more abstract European concept of Angst to refer to your particular situation rather than HPPD and put a lot of it (including even the serious mood swings / suicidal thoughts) to be as much due to pressures of growing up (as I get the impression you are still relatively young) – but that might also be because I’m slightly older and have seen a lot of this happen to friends or experienced some of these feelings myself.
During your teens to 20s/early 30s you are being put under all sorts of cultural pressures (family, peer groups etc) and adding drugs on top of that often increases the impact of all of it. People who do not take hard drugs or even alcohol at all also suffer mental health issues; including self harm and sometimes taking psychedelic drugs can also give you a reason to live; but it is hard to get the right balance.
Losing relatives is always hard especially with those in late middle age; as they can be in relatively good shape (other than obvious age related stuff) and then suddenly take a turn for the worse…
The good news is that if you can get things on a level, survive your 20s/30s and find reasons for continued existence (however strange they may be or outside socieities norms) it seems to get slightly better as you grow older…
@General Lighting 975439 wrote:
welcome 🙂 – thanks for sharing the story; its important that even if it isn’t always good news/fun we share our experiences. although I had to look up what a trap house was – its not (yet) such a common term in British/European English a lot of these feelings/experiences are common to all of us in similar cultures.
Not being a medically trained person I would have used the more abstract European concept of Angst to refer to your particular situation rather than HPPD and put a lot of it (including even the serious mood swings / suicidal thoughts) to be as much due to pressures of growing up (as I get the impression you are still relatively young) – but that might also be because I’m slightly older and have seen a lot of this happen to friends or experienced some of these feelings myself.
During your teens to 20s/early 30s you are being put under all sorts of cultural pressures (family, peer groups etc) and adding drugs on top of that often increases the impact of all of it. People who do not take hard drugs or even alcohol at all also suffer mental health issues; including self harm and sometimes taking psychedelic drugs can also give you a reason to live; but it is hard to get the right balance.
Losing relatives is always hard especially with those in late middle age; as they can be in relatively good shape (other than obvious age related stuff) and then suddenly take a turn for the worse…
The good news is that if you can get things on a level, survive your 20s/30s and find reasons for continued existence (however strange they may be or outside socieities norms) it seems to get slightly better as you grow older…
Being only 19 I’ve grown up a lot from when I was 16, 17, and 18. It’s crazy how life goes on and you deal with the decisions you’ve made. When I was at my lowest point all I could think about was how if I committed suicide that everyone I knew would feel guilty for my death because of the note I wrote. I felt belittled by my parents, always being treated like a punk and them never listening. Then my friends were just total assholes at the time, but I always had an attitude because I bottled up my emotions and let out my anger towards others.
I’m still learning and living but one thing for certain is that I will never die by my own hands
@TheBrethus 975499 wrote:
I’m still learning and living but one thing for certain is that I will never die by my own hands
Really good to read this. I feel that suicide is such a cop out, life’s a bitch then you die, don’t be the cause of your own death if you can help it.
@Digital Buddha 975500 wrote:
Really good to read this. I feel that suicide is such a cop out, life’s a bitch then you die, don’t be the cause of your own death if you can help it.
And before my depression that’s exactly how I felt towards suicide too. I saw it as a way to just give up and completely pussy out of your problems. But after experiencing it (Imagine That?!) I learned that the human psyche is very complex and something so small, to some, can be devastatingly unnerving to others. Life can be hard but you always have to push through.
Still even now I contemplate my emotions and actions causing them. But life goes on and I have to work tomorrow. Can’t be late for that shit
Reaching a nadir with your emotions and psychological state can really provide you with the tools to be much more reflective of your own situation/state.
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Forums › The Vibe › Introductions › Slight Introduction To My Addiction Conflictions
