Is this Addiction? I'm sure most of you by now are aware that I really like drugs. I've smoked weed for 7 years now (pretty much daily) and have been taking ecstasy in both pill and crystal form on and off for 5. I've also tried a lot of other stuff but they're my 2 favourite and most frequently used. Both of which I can say I have been addicted to in the past but that was over 3 years ago.
Last time I found myself caught up in an addicts cycle I was spending about £60 a day to feed my habit which lasted 6 months or so before I retook control of life. Recently though I feel I've developed a new kind of addiction, this time I'm not so much craving any particular substance(s) but become possessed by a general desire to escape sobriety.
When I've experienced addiction in the past pretty much every waking moment I wasn't high on MDMA or weed I craved them, and that was the type of high I felt I needed. Now however I can go about my working week with only a few joints no problem, hard drugs may not even cross my mind. But once I reach the weekend I just want to get totalled, but again I don't seek any particular high just whatever I can get hold of.
My urge to get high though doesn't surpass rational thinking meaning I don't take drugs I wouldn't normally take nor do I buy if I can't afford. This means I can and will stay away from drugs if need be. The only problem with this is that I seem to experience comedown like symptoms anyway.
A few times recently I've reached Sunday night or Monday morning and I become an irritable antisocial gremlin because I haven't had drugs.
Is this some sort of psychological addiction or do I just like drugs too much?123
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My Story of Drugs, depression and Victory Since the beginning of my teenage years I’ve developed an awful longing for something or someone- someone to whom I can look up for advice and guidance. Someone with whom I could discuss my problems.
Because I had this need in my life at the age of fourteen, I started smoking as I was following the example of an older friend, Juan Smith. I told him about my depression- the deep dark jungle in which I found myself, with all its crazy pathways, and no way out. He told me he had a similar problem, and so we connected well. I had at last found someone who understood.
To me it felt necessary to gain favour in his eyes. I wanted to prove myself in some way. The two of us started following the example of some other friends by wearing earrings and drinking with the group who drank. It was as if in a strange way I felt secure to be moving in a defined circle rather than standing alone like an orphan who couldn’t share in anything. Someone once said to me that a certain person had fallen so low, that he spent all his time in nightclubs.
I would have wanted to discuss it with my family, but I felt I could not burden them with my problems. I didn’t have the courage or confidence to talk to my mom, as after I all she was just a woman. When my friend persuaded me to go to nightclubs, I felt as if they cared about and accepted me, or so I thought.
I began finding refuge in friends, parties and drugs. Once day Juan said to me,” Hell you are the best! This is why I look up to you.” These words made me feel so good- I could see admiration for me in their eyes.They didn’t realise I was smoking pot, and definitely didn’t know about my depression. It was with great effort that I achieved at school, but only I knew how strenuous it was, and I took pride in having control over my body, and so I wasn’t afraid to start experimenting with drugs.
I thought I had a strong will and would be able to leave it at any time. It was not a logical step for someone who had started out on this gruesome road, to go over to stronger drugs.
The depression became worse- it felt like something inside was eating me up. “Of course I can walk away when I want to! I am the Man!” was my foolish reasoning. To be “high” was an indescribably great sensation- my refuge from the depression- or so I thought.
However, one day, when I had fallen so deeply into the pit of drugs that I was getting withdrawal symptoms when I did not get it, I came to the shocking realisation- “I do not have the strength to leave the drugs” It was now no longer a matter of being “the best” or to experience the enjoyment of an emotional high.
I was shocked to realise that I had become a drug addict because I wanted to be set free from depression, loneliness and wanting to fill that void inside of me.
Both Juan and I. The drugs and my medication did not work together, and there were desperate moments when I felt close to death. Obviously my schoolwork suffered. So it happened that after school I quickly had to roll myself a pot-filled cigarette to smoke on my way home. There was a consuming pain within me when I realised that my parents did not even notice anything- even though we lived in the same house, ate at the same table, we were like strangers to each other. I often wondered whether they didn’t notice my red eyes, as by this time, I was a full-blown drug addict.
Why did I not find my refuge in the Lord? By this stage I had lost all my friends who cared about me, except Juan- maybe because he was going through the same as I was. I often thought,”They don’t have to care about me , they are just a bunch of nerds anyway” I knew that inherently I was a good person; the consequences of my deeds I could shake off like dust from a piece of clothing”.
The shaking of my legs was just the result of tension and stress I would get over it, I believed. As soon as I came to a conclusion, I would be calm again, but then I realised this was just wishful thinking. I was a broken person who had no pride or willpower left.
The pain in my stomach was due to the cheap drugs.(which the dealer mixed with cement and rat poison)
Through all this, this Bible verse stayed with me, and I held onto it.
Psalm 9:10 “And so the Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed. A stronghold in times of trouble”
I knew I was living from moment to moment. I had no self-respect. It didn’t matter anymore whether I used stolen money to buy my stock from a dealer.
With everything in me I wanted to turn around from this intertwining road of depression and satan’s claws “ But I can’t!”, I called out . That evening I dodged my parents and from sheer helplessness banged my head against the wall. “I will commit suicide!” I hissed. But I knew I didn’t even have the courage to commit suicide. Juan depended on me; he believed I was the stronger one who would lift us out of the cesspool of depression and drugs.
I however, saw myself as a weakling. “ Who and what am I now?. An empty shell?A hopeless creature who steals his parent’s money for drugs”. It was my lifeline. Juan said we should try Crack, Coke, Ecstasy and Acid( LSD), but that didn’t help. I had got to the stage that I despised myself, especially when became I mixed up with a bunch of satanists! They suggested I use Heroin, but inside me there was still a small bit of willpower, and I refused.
What Juan did , I did not know.
The next year I was using more drugs than ever before. It was a force outside of me. Juan was like a blood-brother to me. My schoolwork had gone down drastically and it was with the greatest effort that I scraped through Grade 11.
During the school holidays I got this sudden urge to run away. I was sick and tired of everything, including myself. I decided to go. I decided to go on a recce of the Hillbrow streets. I had heard that the Nigerians were in control of the drug dealing.
I suddenly remembered that I had read somewhere that this was the place where you could get anything from drugs to sex to stolen goods with a mere nod of the head and the necessary money! A feeling of guilt took hold of me when I packed my rucksack for my trip to Hillbrow.“ My mom?How would she handle my absence? I” wondered. We lived in almost completely separate worlds, but she was still my mother.
Guilelessly I left home for the unknown still using drugs. I had to get away from this depression, this guilt and the darkness.
But my mom’s face stayed with me and I didn’t want to think about anyone else. It felt like it had been people who had chased me into this wilderness. When I was in the company of people, I felt as if they were cold towards me, but when I was alone with Jesus, I was my old self.
On arrival in Hillbrow, I wandered around and watched the drug addicts- the fact that I was one too, I moved to the background of my thoughts. I was stripped of all emotion. A living corpse. I should have brought Juan along. I was missing him and living alone while fighting depression and drug addiction and having to survive the streets of Hillbrow, without food or a place to sleep - to be begging for a piece of bread, was sheer hell. I was missing home and thought about Juan a lot. At home there was plenty of food and there was always a tin with money from which the servant usually bought bread or milk or vegetables, and from which I could steal what I needed.
The money wasn’t enough, as drugs were expensive. There was an occasion when I sold my new school blazer to get money for drugs. I told my mom that the blazer had been stolen at school and that the new one cost more. And just like that, she gave me the money without being aware of the fact that half of it would go for drugs. I knew she never dreamed that her son would be involved with drugs. Parents suspect other kids, but never their own.
After I had sold almost all my clothes for money, I decided after three days to go home. I still felt there was no one at home who loved me, but at least there would be food and a bed to sleep in. When I got home, I phoned Juan, but there was no reply. My mom justed lifted an eyebrow when she got home that evening and saw me. I had cleaned up myself and looked respectable. “ I’m back Mom! Gee it was a bad survival camp! The teachers were strict. Sorry Mom, I borrowed money from a friend.
A few of us went to buy food late at night. It was junk food, and not as nice as your food!” She accepted my flattery and without a word gave me the money. “Go and give it back at once.” she instructed.’ I am grateful that you are back. Your eyes are red, the sun must have got to you” My Mom was worried about me. Would that mean she loved me?
It was a good feeling. “Go on now,” she said. I went and bought drugs with the money, depending on what was available. There were new ones on the market, every now and again- with complete instructions. The next morning my Mom looked in at my room, before leaving for work. “ You okay?” she wanted to know.I just smiled and lifted my thumb. This little gesture touched me deeply. I decided to get help for my problem. I also had to show Juan that I was strong enough. Juan trusted me.
I realised with a shock that my old saying of that I was in complete control of my body and mind, had flown away. I was so trapped by the merciless claws of the depression and the drug thief, that I had no resistance. The drugs were my lifeline, it carried me through the depth of darkness, or rather that is what I thought. It had come into my life and instead of resisting it, I wanted to be important in the eyes of people. I wanted to be popular. It was my Mom’s little words” You okay?” that haunted me.
That night I confessed all. I told my Mom everything. I cried aloud and was broken-hearted. I feared that she would push me away.Instead, she put her arms around me and said” We must get help for you – today!” A taxi took me to the clinic for treatment the following day. I had to be back at school when it re-opened, even though I wasn’t completely dry. The people at the clinic were wonderful and did their best to make me feel special.
Deep inside, however,I did not feel like that. It was a great torment to live without my breathing- the withdrawal symptoms were hell, it was a fierce struggle to rebuild my life.. The road to recovery was endless, but I desperately wanted to leave the drugs, not just for me but for Juan. I was a hero in his eyes, even though I had looked upto him in the beginning. One of the workers of the clinic came to call me for the taxi- it was time to go home!I said goodbye and as I walked down the passage I heard the bloodcurdling screams of a newcomer…. Had I also screamed like that? I couldn’t judge the person because at such a time it felt as if one was dying. No words can really describe the suffering and the helplessness. I was now off the drugs, but I still had the depression.
It was the same taxi that was waiting for me, but I was amazed to see my Mom was in the taxi. My heart was so full of joy that I wondered if she could hear it beating!She got out to meet me and kissed me. We both sat in the back and started talking “ Mom, you didn’t perhaps hear anything from Juan?” I asked. “ I miss him” I couldn’t help adding. For a moment I saw confusion in her eyes and she took my hand. “ My boy” she said. I was inwardly thankful for her calling me her boy. “ I have bad news for you. Juan’s mom phoned yesterday;he died as a result of an overdose. He committed suicide. His funeral is tomorrow at eleven’o clock and she asked that you should come, you must be one of the pall bearers”
This hit me very hard. “ How could the Lord do this to me now? Especially now that I needed Him. In the clinic I had learnt to trust in God and now He has let me down . Juan was my only friend Come on Mom, answer me?!!”I said with a sob in my voice. She held my hand tightly and with a small handkerchief she wiped my tears away. I felt like jumping from the car and running blindly into the veld. I wanted to use “something” to escape this dreadful pain ! My Mom ‘s voice was soft: “You are going through deep waters today, but just trust in the Lord. He will carry you through” It became still in me. With such compassion my Mom and I had not spoken for years. I thought she had forgotten about the Lord.
A deathly quiet reigned in the church where the funeral goers were seated – the mortal remains lay in a silver steel casket. There was a cold silence in the church. The lid of the silver-coloured coffin had been removed and to one side stood Juan’s mother in a black dress. “ I am grateful that you have come, Juan always spoke about you- if you only knew how much” his mom told me with a broken heart. “ It was my fault that we lived separate lives.
I thought the large sums of money I gave him each month would compensate for his Dad and my absence and our crazy quest for pleasure It is my fault that my son is lying there today”
Like an automaton I moved forward to put my hand on her shoulder. “ Don’t ever say that again- it’s nobody’s fault” A wisp of a smile in her deep grief trembled on her lips. “ I hope all his friends are here today , so that they can see what drugs can do to a person” Only then did my eyes move to the body in the coffin; shock vibrated through me. So repugnant was this to me, that my legs wanted to give way from underneath me.
His deathly pale face, blue around the lips, told of a gruesome suffering. His face was distorted; even the calm of death could not change that. One by one his friends filed past the open coffin and the shock registered on each one’s face. This caused a self- reproach in me followed by an indescribable sadness. When my Mom and I eventually left for home, the atmosphere was completely different to the previous day.
Thank you for reading my story- this is an excerpt from my book: Overcoming ( Victory) This book is about how I walked the road of depression and overcame it.
The book is currently being revised and added to for a more intense in-depth book.
I invite you to comment on this story; it would be of great value to me. I look forward to hearing from you…..
Until then…
Hendrik Duvenage
HELP my boyfriend has a drug addiction to Codine Hi,
My boyfriend has had an addiction to Nurofen Plus with Codine for the last year and a half, this is not the first time either.
He went cold turkey around a week ago and is now relapsing but lying to me about it and hiding it from me, how should I approach this and what should I do?
Please please please can someone give some advise because this is ruining our relationship without him evening knowing it because I cannot what him to this any longer.
What’s the longest binge you’ve ever gone on and what did you binge on? I used to go on weekend binges (when I had my fucking nice ass, weekends-off job >.>) where I would just start off getting stoned when I woke up in the morning, smoke pot all day and bend on ADHD meds and then drink 'til black out mode started at night. Friday, Saturday AND Sunday nights. I knew I had work the next morning but because I've basically been a functioning alcoholic since I turned 21, I don't have hangovers anymore unless I really get into the liquor cabinet. As far as illegal drugs go, it was just the pot but that won't be illegal much longer I pray to God.
What about y'all? Any benders you'd like to report? I know, I sound like a pussy only doing weekends but if it makes y'all feel any better I was drunk almost every night of the week just not black out drunk. Lol
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My Personal Heroin Addiction Story Hello everyone my name is Jordan and I would like to share with the the story of how i became addicted to Heroin.
Its 20th April 2010 I lay in my bed starring at the ceiling recovering from last nights heavy session on Ketamine only to hear a knock at the door its an ex-girlfriend and her family coming round to tell my i have a four month old son the shock, terror drilled through my body panic soon ensued thoughts racing through my mind until i came to the conclusion this could be the turning point in my life up until now I had spent most my life drinking, smoking weed, swallowing countless ecstasy pills, speed, cocaine, poppers, saliva now i finally had something to focus on I had a beautiful son.
little did i know this would all soon end in tear as the mother of my child comes from a dysfunctional family where sleeping around, fighting and arguing are the norm in everyday life and before I had a chance to even put my name on the birth certificate social services whisked my son away into care before i even had a chance to be a farther this is where my life took a massive downward spiral.
Before i knew it i was sitting round heroin addicts watching them inject their drug of choice while i sat on the sofa judging them while i smoked my joint of rather tasty weed little did i know that i would be in their situation before too long.
I would walk around daily holding the pain of losing a son i never got to know properly every day was filled with heart ache and i would have days when i would just brake down into tears feeling so helpless.
Then one day i took the jump and asked for my first hit this was the biggest mistake of my life as i watched the blood draw into the syringe and then the plunger being pushed watching the light brown mixture disappearing into my veins suddenly i felt the warm blanket being wrapped around me from head to toe all pain from losing my son slowly slipped away into the mist and i was left in a state of well-being and happiness.
As the days goes by my use continued and started to rise before I knew it 3 bags of heroin a day was just enough to keep those nasty withdrawals at bay.
Check out my heroin addiction blog documenting all the up's and down's in my current lifestyle123
Los Angeles Couples who both need Rehab Help ** NOW CASTING Hi, My name is Mike and I am a casting producer for docuseries, gameshows and other reality projects.
Right now I am working on a new series about couples in the LA area who are addicted to a hard drug and have decided to try and get clean together.
It can be so much harder to quit when your partner is human and can relapse and pull you both back in.
Let us help break the cycle of addiction! Apply now!
This project moves fast and you can be getting help in just a few days!
If you know of a couple in this situation, please reach out and tell us about them. You could help save their lives!
Email jerry {(at)} pitmancasting dot com.
Include:
1. Names
2. Ages
3. City
4. Contact Numbers
5. Email Addresses
6. Photos of the couple
7. A description of the situation and the addiction that is plaguing the couple.
** Hurry, casting for the show ends soon. Don't miss this once in a lifetime Opportunity!!**
Include:
1. Names
2. Ages
3. City[ATTACH=CONFIG]154372[/ATTACH]
4. Contact Numbers
5. Email Addresses
6. Photos of the couple
7. A description of the situation and the addiction that is plaguing the couple.
** Hurry, casting for the show ends soon. Don't miss this once in a lifetime Opportunity!!**
Repeat Rehab Patient currently detoxing from meth I am trying to detox to get clean from meth. I smoked yesterday at noon and I am staying with family.
1. OKAY THIS PART IS THE MOST IMPOTANT ONE. I have the diarrhea from coming down, it has happened before but last time I held it in for a day or two and it become solid and I used the restroom that way.
Now I know it's going to burn and it hurts holding it in, is there anything I can do? The diarrhea is going to burn I can already a feel it.
2. It feels as if I have goosebumps on my legs and I look and I don't but I get this tingly sensations and I also the I can sometimes feel my leg and other times I can't feel it. I have lost feeling oft fingers and they cd back but never legs
3. I keep walking around hoping to feel better. I can barely drink any liquids and my whole Torso hurts. My lungs don't feel right when I cough but I am breathing in short fast breaths and once in a while I take a long deep breathe. I feel as if I am going to puke and pass out. I have never puked from meth
4. All of stomach well my organs it feels all squishy but tender and I am having this odd pain and I just don't know what to think.
5. And the worst of all I keep seeing shadow people
Cocaine…..Too much of it…..work in 2 hours. Hi everyone, in a very bad place right now and need some advice / place to ramble. I've always been a fan of coke but not done any this year until last night when I did way too much.
A mate of mine picked up some pretty decent stuff. I got 2 grams and did 1.5g in about 5 hours. It's good stuff and im really fuked,never felt like this. Can't stop shaking and I have to concentrate even to get up out of bed,typin this on my phone has taken an age
.
I have a cab pickin me up in an hour to take me to work. Don't know how im goin to survive work and not seem off my face. Never been this coked up tbh. Has anyone had similar? I.e shaking, really havin to concentrate to do simple tasks?!! I'm hopin this feelin passes soon. But would be interested to hear of similar experiences if anyone has any?
methamphetamine I haven't done meth in four years and I slipped and done about a gram and a half in two days and now I have a drug test in six days will I be clean
SDMC Productions – Addiction Documentary in Manchester SDMC Productions are urgently seeking young individuals (18+) who have recently suffered or are currently suffering some form of addiciton to either- Sex, Drugs, Social Media or Gaming, and willing to talk about their experience on camera for a factual series produced for an International Broadcaster.
We are looking to shoot interivews as soon as possible (during the next week - 10 days), preferably located within Greater Manchester
Please get in touch if you feel that you fit the description. (Note: candidates must be willing to show their face and talk openly on camera about their addiction experience).
Group Looking To Increase Naloxone Availablility in UK A multidisciplinary group Has said that a lot of deaths from heroin could have been avoided if naloxone was easier for addicts to obtain.
Drink and Drugs News - What price life?
This story made me realize just how different levels and availability of some types of treatment cam vary so much in different parts of the country. To read that so many addicts don't have easy/and access to naloxone yet in my area they literally pay you to take it. You get £10 to attend a training session on how to use it and under what curcumstances and whatever and are given naloxone to take away.
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