Museum Of Techno Took this of squatjuice, tis funny......
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lee and herring i dont know if anyone remembers "the fist of fun" or "this morning with richard not judy" but i am a massive fan. not as much of a massive fan as whoever put this site, together, thank fuck, as it borders on obsessive compulsive, but im glad they made it.
they also helped launch teh career of kevin eldon, who is another of my favorite charachter comdians, and has been in too much cool stuff to mention (oh, all right, big train, jam, spaced, to name a few) i managed to download all the richard not judy stuff from emule, and i just found this site which has loads of other stuff, stand up and random obscure clips that id never seen before. if you remember it, im sure you'll enjoy reliving some classic 90's comedy, and if you havent, get there now and educate yourself.
http://www.fistoffun.net/downloads.htm
Steak & Blow Jobs I was told about this a few months ago but i forgot to pass it on till now, so i know it's a bit late but come on boyz... something to look forward to next year...!!!!!!!!!!
A new offical day for MEN!!!!!!!!!!
http://steakandblowjobday.g-spotting.net/...
March 14th Steak and Blow Job day... twinned with Valentine's Day
CHECK THE LINK...
Ultimate A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.
Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me. He takes him to a forest.
Bill: Dig the ground. Sardarji did it.
Bill: more...more...more... Sardarji went up to 100 feet.
Bill: So now, try to search something.
Sardarji: I got a wire.
Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.
Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill was in India
Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. The same...he takes Bill to a forest.
Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does.
Sardarji : more...more...more... Bill goes up to almost 400 feet..
Sardarji : try to find something. Bill tries.
Sardarji : Did you get anything? Bill : No, there is nothing here.
Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!
perhaps I should enter the Tour de France ;) ayo, check this... (look at the max speed bit, there is a close up in the second pic..)
close up of GPS display...
and no, I didn't photoshop the pic or edit it in any way (there is a legit technical explanation for how this happened).
I'd better watch out for the black rats though, or I may get a ticket for "furious cycling"....
An Australian woman was taking a shower An Australian woman was taking a shower when, suddenly she landed doing an actual "split" on the floor. (just like the ballerinas)
She called out for her husband:" "Jacko! Jacko!. He came running.
" Jacko, I've bl00dy suctioned myself to the floor!", she said.
"Strewth", Jacko said and tried to lift her up.
Jacko says: " You're just too heavy, girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey (his mate).
Jacko and Bluey try to lift her up. They can't do it.
Bluey says: "Let's try Plan C"
Jacko says: " Plan C? What's that?"
Bluey says: " I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and break the bathroom tiles under her".
"Spot on!" says Jacko. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t1ts".
Bluey says:" PLay with her t1ts?. Why the he11 would you want to do that at a time like this?'
Jacko replies: " Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
UK : LDN(S) : Cops deny existence of canine muggers I would not expect a Labrador to do such a thing deliberately - it is more the sort of crime a bull terrier would be accused of.. (hmm - must be careful as its probably illegal now to discriminate against diffent dog breeds)
Quote:
Canine mobile phone thefts are a fairy tail
THE Met Police have dismissed claims a criminal gang is training dogs to steal mobile phones.
Its statement comes after a boy had his phone taken by a Labrador dog after it knocked him over in the recreation ground in Sussex Road, Northumberland Heath.
The 14-year-old claimed the dog deliberately knocked him down, then sniffed out his mobile phone and took it from his pocket.
The dog later abandoned the chewed-up phone, which was retrieved by the boy.
His father then called the police, saying he feared the incident was part of an organised crime operation.
But police told News Shopper they believed the boy's phone had fallen from his pocket when he was knocked over and the dog had then run off with it.
A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "The incident is being investigated.
"However, we do not believe the dog was specifically trained to take the phone, as stated in some of the media."
9:07am today
a cartoon for the Scots… found this whilst googling for Scots dictionaries; made me think of the exploits of some of our younger users a few weekends ago in the chatroom...
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing
standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discrete be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discrete??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
How they Do ‘It’ How they Do 'It'
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the 'new, improved' method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
C'Bers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILE MEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.
WRITERS have novel ways.
John McGinty John McGinty hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
When the body was first made When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, 'I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.'
The feet said, 'We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'
The hands said, 'We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
What sex are they? What sex are they?
1. Freezer Bags -- They're Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.
2. Photocopiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tyres -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5. Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on.
7. Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but handy to have around.
10. The Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
A primary teacher starts a new job… A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Liverpool, England, and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
“Because I’m not a Liverpool fan, Miss” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: “Well, if you’re not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?”
“I’m a Carlisle Utd fan, and proud of it,” Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why are you a Carlisle Utd fan?”
“Because my mum and dad are from Carlisle, and my mum is a Carlisle fan and my dad is a Carlisle fan, so I’m a Carlisle fan too!”
“Well,” said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Carlisle fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?”
Mary smiled, “Then, I’d be a Liverpool fan Miss.”
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