Jack was about to marry Jill… Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large."
"I told her: Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will!" Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly" replied Jack. I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.
"Exactly" replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f#cking attitude, you never will."
After every flight… After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
Two Irish guys are chatting up a girl in London. Two Irish guys are chatting up a girl in London.
She asks “So what do you boys do then?”
”Turf cutter” says the first
”Pilot” says the second
The girl remarks “That’s a strange combination for two friends isn’t it?”
”Not at all” says the second Irish guy, “He cuts the turf and I pile it”
A old man goes to see his doctor… An extremely wealthy 80-year-old arrived for his annual check-up and smiled when the doctor enquired about his health. "Never better," he announced proudly. "I've taken an 18-year-old bride, and she's pregnant. What do you think of that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in, and in the subsequent rush, he dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle." "Go on, doc," said the old-timer "Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. "The bear fell dead in front of him." "That's impossible," exclaimed the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have been doing the shooting." Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. "That's what I'm getting at."
An airplane’s about to crash… As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.
She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this.
A chicken walks into a library… A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashioon, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.
She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh.
The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying,
"Read it, read it, read it..."
Quickly count the number of F in the following Quickly count the number of F in the following
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
did you count the f's? .....answer below.....
Congratulations, like the majority of people, you answer 3... whereas answer is 6 !
You can count :
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In fact , the brain can't treat "OF", incredible, not ? Whoever counts the six 'F' the first time is a genius, four is rather frequent, five is rather rare, three is normal. Less than three, you must change glasses ; -)
Explanation : During the quick reading, the eyes fix the "lexical" words, while jumping over the "grammatical" words (articles, conjunctions...). The 3 "OF" of the text are not directly fixed.
6 year old children are for the majority at the stage of deciphering and fix all the words. However, the concentration can explain easily why you succeeded, or why you were trapped.
A duck walks into a pub… A duck walks into a pub and waddles up to the bar.
"What will it be?" asks the barman.
"Got any bread" asks the duck.
"I'm sorry but I don't. What'll you have?" asks the barman.
"Got any bread" asks the duck.
"I just told you that I don't. What'll you have?" asks the barman, a bit peeved now.
"Got any bread" asks the duck.
"I've told you three times that I don't have any bread. If you ask for bread again I'm gonna nail that beak of yours to the bar. What'll you have?" shouts the barman.
"Got any nails?"
"Nope."
"Got any bread?"
...
Words for 2006 NEW WORDS FOR 2006
TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
GOING FOR A McSHIT . Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS . Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".
SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person
TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women
An Irishman, a Scott and a Chinaman are on a site… An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese-a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!"
An inflatable boy goes to school with a pin… Once upon a time, there was an inflatable boy. The inflatable boy lived in an inflatable house, with an inflatable family. He went to an inflatable school with an inflatable teacher and even an inflatable principle.
One day, the inflatable boy took a pin to his inflatable school. The inflatable teacher let out a gasp and sent him to the principle's office.
The inflatable principle said, "I'm very disappointed in you son. You've let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down!"
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