I had another good go on this last Wednesday. Don’t know what dose I took, foolishly just poured some into a skin and bunged it in my mouth. Really could have been anywhere between about 35-70mg I reckon. Didn’t really look, just did.
Fuck me though, wish I had recorded the dose because think whatever I took was pretty much my ideal dose; not too weak, not quite too strong either, but not far off. Within 10 minutes of consumption I’d started coming up and within 15 minutes the CEVs were kicking off. Started off with my visuals appearing behind my eyelids in a comic strip style, like scenes from a cartoon unfolding before me. Had very similar themed visuals on a DMT + MDMA combination in the past.
After just shy of 30 minutes it was safe to say I was tripping balls, anything in motion was trailing to fuck, colours enhanced and splashing out of surfaces, solid walls were dripping and rippling. The buzz was bloody powerful too, was tempted to take some Etizolam just to soothe me a bit but didn’t want to lose any visuals so stuck at it.
Within an hour I had to pull myself away from the monitor. Standard text looked alien, foreign and unfamiliar; that’s when writing remained still long enough for me to try and read it. This stuff had hold of me good; all I could do was sit back and admire/endure lol. I quickly sank into a very heavy psychedelic head trip. A definite air of dissociation from it too. I wasn’t quite thinking as me, more, for me. I engaged in what some may call a rather typical but radical mushroom style trip; I was questioning my ego and all my inner demons and summoning answers normally unfathomable to me. So this is the spiritual side of psychedelia; something I had only encountered a couple of times on Ketamine, but shit gets too messy on Ket. The answers don’t have as much clarity on that substance. With this, the answers I was able to provide myself seemed very natural, I wondered why I had struggled so much to see them previously. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts at this point, I’d pretty much stopped tracking time, not that I’d have been able to read a clock. But I think I was about 2-3 hours in. With all the demanding questions answered for, I found myself mentally relaxing into a state of total euphoria. I was convinced that life would be better after this trip, because I had told myself how to deal with or cope with various obstacles in my life. No more anxiety, I can get a job doing whatever I want, I don’t have to continue being an addict, I can better control my mental health issues, I can recover from my most recent failed relationship and learn to love again. All these thoughts running through my head at the same time, and they felt real, not just another guilt ridden drug trip where I was trying to convince myself this would be the last time I would get high as an escape. For the first time, possibly ever, I felt not only externally happy but actually at peace with myself as an individual. Happiness I believe can be an act, true internal contentment can’t be faked IMO. The best part is nearly a week later and these thoughts are still with me. Okay, I’m still a depressive struggling to get his life back on track, but I’ve got more fight in me now, and I really am trying to combat the drug addiction. No it’s not easy or fun, but I’m making slow but very definite improvement. If I can complete today that’ll be day three of total sobriety. For someone who was smoking dope and taking benzos everyday that’s a pretty big step. And another change is I’m doing it for me now, not just because I’m losing friends or hurting family on the path to self destruction. Truth be told, if I make it out the other end; ACO could have been the kick up the arse that literally saved my life. And even a recent stay on a psychiatric ward didn’t have that large of an impact on me. Fuck you depression! You’re not in control any longer. I am.
Besides all the knowledge and self wisdom that it apparently granted me, things did take a rather silly turn as well. I’m guessing I was about 4 hours in, so halfway-ish. All the infinite possibilities of life really began to sink in, a little too much perhaps. I was imagining several different alternative lifestyles at the same time. Watching myself live 5 or 6 different potentials all at once; each seeming glorious in its own way. From the mundane life of an office worker to the extremes of a ski instructor, all had a welcome place in my mind at this point. And then, out of nowhere, my brain must have fragmented because I found myself for the first time in my life weighing out the pros and cons of a sex change operation. This came into my mind without authorisation, just crept in with all the other possibilities. Probably sat and thought about it for at least 20 minutes before it dawned on me just how astray my thoughts had led me. Upon the re-appreciation for my penis I started howling with laughter.
Make of it what you will
