Forums › Life › Health & Medicine › Depression › A friend with depression… Need advice
protip: If you want the samaritans number just google best way to commit suicide
Lie
If she’s genuinely depressive and not the type to seek help, or if she’s any kind of bipolar fuck, lie.
Make her feel safe and wanted and accepted. I don’t mean date her, but I do mean fill your time together with unconditional love and respect. Capital Love. Capital Respect.
If she really is depressed and not help-seeking on her own, she will be on some not-so-clearly expressed level, so lie. Not overtly, but talk about people in similar situations you’ve heard of or known or whatever, engage her in a discussion on how to get out of that sort of sucking bog of quicksand. Make it clear it’s not her you’re talking about, every bit as much as you make it clear to her that all the things you discuss are genuine options that nobody will judge her on.
Whatever you do, don’t ever be Mr. Fix It. Unless she’s begging for help, don’t provide any. You cannot be proactive with a depressive, especially not if she’s also a manic. But really, you just cannot be proactive. She has to come crawling to you. Especially depressives, and even fucking more especially ones that are also manics, can only help themselves. You can not help them. But you also can not abandon them, because… Suicide is a genuine option to depressives, and even though it mostly fails, you do not want to be the friend of the girl who succeeded. You really, really fucking don’t. So talk. Make it clear how accepting you are and how little anyone is to blame, and how minor a very treatable issue it really is. But do not try to be proactive unless/untill she outright begs you to be.
To depressives, it’s almost impossible not to see everyone else, especially friendly, helpful, caring people, as the one person for whom you’d like to appear normal. The more overtly you try to help, the more you become both an image pf normalcy that she just can’t grasp, and her personal critic that she just can’t get away from. You do not want to be those things to her, because if that’s how she feels deep down about you, you’re going to break ten times as much shit inside her as you can ever hope to un-break.
So curb your impulses. Don’t remark on the fact she hasn’t had a shower for a week or hasn’t done the dishes for a month. Engage her in positive ways that involve that sort of shit by LYING YOUR ASS OFF. Show up with some noodles, feta & salad. Tell her your kitchen’s even more of a fucking warzone, so “can’t you please make dinner at her place”. Spill half a bottle of wine down yourself and ask if you can’t please borrow some clothes if you promise to wash her and your clothes. It’s not like she won’t really know what’s going on. But for a person who’ve given up entirely on every fucking thing ever,being cast in the role of “The Solution” to really mundane shit that you can then do together, is exactly the way to go.
If she’s truly depressive, she’s just going to… fuck everything up and then wallow in how badly she’s fucking up everything, and then wallow in how all the world knows and disapproves of how badly she’s fucking up everything. You cannot be part of that negative pile of reinforcing shit, and you can’t just let it spiral either. You have to kick it sideways in a way she too can believe isn’t some sort of fucking rescue attempt.
Then, once her flat looks liveable and she isn’t just pretending to be an immovable object 20+ hours of the day… Then you can try to turn the talk to actual help. But again, don’t even imply that she needs it. If you’re really her fucking friend then you need her. So make it clear that you really fucking do need her. Not that she’s failed you, but that this right the fuck now is when you need her to make sure your life doesn’t fall to pieces. Showing her that hey, even though she’s been curled up in a ball and can’t uncurl, just sharing a bottle of wine or whatever makes her actively want to uncurl and completely fix most of the shit that’s been seeming insurmountable in her head, is epic inspiration. Piling on top that it’s not her that needs you but you that needs her to step up, even though it’s just in a “please talk to me and hug me and stuff” kind of way, that’s the rest of the motivation she really needs seek help. And please, please don’t be afraid to seek help with her, however much you have to lie in the process.
Depression is… A fucking sucking hole of death and despair. It’s not something you can just fix with a fucking screwdriver or a night on the town. The way to beat it it to minimise the fucking suckitude of it all, while presenting something of greater importance. And… If you can’t do both, the depression will just continue to grow more and more massively all-consuming.
@dis 535174 wrote:
Lie
If she’s genuinely depressive and not the type to seek help, or if she’s any kind of bipolar fuck, lie.
Make her feel safe and wanted and accepted. I don’t mean date her, but I do mean fill your time together with unconditional love and respect. Capital Love. Capital Respect.
If she really is depressed and not help-seeking on her own, she will be on some not-so-clearly expressed level, so lie. Not overtly, but talk about people in similar situations you’ve heard of or known or whatever, engage her in a discussion on how to get out of that sort of sucking bog of quicksand. Make it clear it’s not her you’re talking about, every bit as much as you make it clear to her that all the things you discuss are genuine options that nobody will judge her on.
Whatever you do, don’t ever be Mr. Fix It. Unless she’s begging for help, don’t provide any. You cannot be proactive with a depressive, especially not if she’s also a manic. But really, you just cannot be proactive. She has to come crawling to you. Especially depressives, and even fucking more especially ones that are also manics, can only help themselves. You can not help them. But you also can not abandon them, because… Suicide is a genuine option to depressives, and even though it mostly fails, you do not want to be the friend of the girl who succeeded. You really, really fucking don’t. So talk. Make it clear how accepting you are and how little anyone is to blame, and how minor a very treatable issue it really is. But do not try to be proactive unless/untill she outright begs you to be.
To depressives, it’s almost impossible not to see everyone else, especially friendly, helpful, caring people, as the one person for whom you’d like to appear normal. The more overtly you try to help, the more you become both an image pf normalcy that she just can’t grasp, and her personal critic that she just can’t get away from. You do not want to be those things to her, because if that’s how she feels deep down about you, you’re going to break ten times as much shit inside her as you can ever hope to un-break.
So curb your impulses. Don’t remark on the fact she hasn’t had a shower for a week or hasn’t done the dishes for a month. Engage her in positive ways that involve that sort of shit by LYING YOUR ASS OFF. Show up with some noodles, feta & salad. Tell her your kitchen’s even more of a fucking warzone, so “can’t you please make dinner at her place”. Spill half a bottle of wine down yourself and ask if you can’t please borrow some clothes if you promise to wash her and your clothes. It’s not like she won’t really know what’s going on. But for a person who’ve given up entirely on every fucking thing ever,being cast in the role of “The Solution” to really mundane shit that you can then do together, is exactly the way to go.
If she’s truly depressive, she’s just going to… fuck everything up and then wallow in how badly she’s fucking up everything, and then wallow in how all the world knows and disapproves of how badly she’s fucking up everything. You cannot be part of that negative pile of reinforcing shit, and you can’t just let it spiral either. You have to kick it sideways in a way she too can believe isn’t some sort of fucking rescue attempt.
Then, once her flat looks liveable and she isn’t just pretending to be an immovable object 20+ hours of the day… Then you can try to turn the talk to actual help. But again, don’t even imply that she needs it. If you’re really her fucking friend then you need her. So make it clear that you really fucking do need her. Not that she’s failed you, but that this right the fuck now is when you need her to make sure your life doesn’t fall to pieces. Showing her that hey, even though she’s been curled up in a ball and can’t uncurl, just sharing a bottle of wine or whatever makes her actively want to uncurl and completely fix most of the shit that’s been seeming insurmountable in her head, is epic inspiration. Piling on top that it’s not her that needs you but you that needs her to step up, even though it’s just in a “please talk to me and hug me and stuff” kind of way, that’s the rest of the motivation she really needs seek help. And please, please don’t be afraid to seek help with her, however much you have to lie in the process.
Depression is… A fucking sucking hole of death and despair. It’s not something you can just fix with a fucking screwdriver or a night on the town. The way to beat it it to minimise the fucking suckitude of it all, while presenting something of greater importance. And… If you can’t do both, the depression will just continue to grow more and more massively all-consuming.
Holy shit. That is seriously good advice. Thank you friend, i’m going to try this.
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Forums › Life › Health & Medicine › Depression › A friend with depression… Need advice
