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  • Everything’s a dildo.

    It’s just a question of bravery.

    The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

    Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven’t deleted the internet history.

    The invention of time difference.

    Allowing the English to have a few hours each day to tidy up America’s mess before they wake up and start fucking things up again.

    I’ve been wanking over the same photo for weeks now.

    I wish someone else in my town would go missing.

    Email note from Abdul in Sheffield to his friend Ahmed in Birmingham:

    I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.

    I’ve planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre.

    Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.

    My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I’m followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.

    I have never felt safer.

    “Child abuse affects everyone in the community” said a spokesman for Rochdale Council today.

    “Every time a paedophile is arrested it means one less kebab shop or minicab in the town”

    I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling but it came crashing down when the wife and I were shagging.

    Whilst in hospital the nurse said, “Who was on top?”

    “She was,” I replied,

    “I see,” said the nurse, “She has several lacerations to her head, back and legs, but could you explain how she managed to dislocate her jaw?”

    “Nobody criticises my DIY.”

    2 Muslims walk into a bar BOOM BOOM !!

    A wife comes home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

    ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.’

    And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

    ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!!

    And the husband began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

    The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’

    The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘ Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

    Why is a camel called the ship of the desert?

    Because its full of Arab semen

    A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

    A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

    In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

    “Didn’t you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'” asked the solicitor.

    Angus responded: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the-“

    “I didn’t ask for any details,” the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

    Angus continued, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

    The solicitor interrupted again and appealed to the judge. “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus’ answer and said to the solicitor: “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”

    Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

    “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

    “I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move, however, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, smoking gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

    “Now what the F*#k would you say?”

    I bought a pair of shoes off a drug addict testerday.

    I don’t know what he laced then with but I’ve been tripping ever since.


      Staff

      A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus, and she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

      She immediately moved to another seat.

      This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

      When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

      The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

      The young man replied,”Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
      She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
      Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling’, and I had to smile.
      Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick’, and I could hardly contain myself.
      BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’, I just lost it.

      I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.

      He said, “Google Glasses!”

      I said, “OK, and I know what fucking glasses are.”

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