Forums › The Vibe › Jokes & Comedy › Bad Joke Thread
“System failed my cannibal son,” claims mother.
Obviously not as much as her cooking.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“So yes”, I said demonstrating to the chinaman, “this shirt was worn and given to me by the current polish international goalkeeper.”
“That is Artur Boruc’s,” he replied.
“No, it’s fucking true!”, I yelled.
I called round to my mate’s jacuzzi party.
I said, “Room for five more?”
He asked, “Why, who did you bring?”
I replied, “Just the wife.”
One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.
“No. I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, “South Carolina.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer. It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”
I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”
She said, “There you go again!”
As my wife stood perilously on the ledge, I screamed, “Don’t do it. Don’t jump, go back inside.”
Luckily she saw sense and climbed back into the bedroom.
And that’s where the fireman found her charred body.
Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.
I’ve done the maths. I am immortal.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
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The leading cause of peadophilia?
Sexy kids.
I took a black girl back to my place last night. We were just about to have sex, when she said, “You need to wear some protection.”
So I put on a stab vest.
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Forums › The Vibe › Jokes & Comedy › Bad Joke Thread