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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
“Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog,” said the vet.
So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony’s servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.
Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist’s talent?
I’d describe my wife as a miserable cunt that needs to stop eating so much.
But the police have said that doesn’t really help with their missing persons report.
Foreign fighters in Syria are complaining that they can’t charge their Ipads or access washing machines.
WTF did they expect going off to fight in the middle ages.
My girlfriend has just texted both our names to 58888 and she says we’re only 78% compatible.
I said, “Hang on. You’ve just paid £3.50 to be sent a random percentage, …and you still think we are in any way compatible?”
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life.”
A man and his wife were being visited by the midwife for a check up after the birth of their first child. The midwife rings the doorbell and the door is opened by the wife.
“Hey, what are you doing?” asks the midwife, “You should be in bed so soon after giving birth.”
“Well, my husband’s upstairs bathing the baby.” she replies.
The midwife goes upstairs to the bathroom to see how the husband is doing, but to her shock, she sees him leaning over the bath, 2 fingers inserted up the baby’s nostrils, swirling it around in the water in a figure of 8.
“What the hell are you doing?” she screams, “That’s not how you bathe a baby!”
“Listen….” says the husband, “It bloody well is when the water’s this hot!”
Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess slugs make.
I’d like to give thanks to America for helping us out on the war against terror.
After all, if they hadn’t been FUNDING THE FUCKING IRA for the past 30 years, we wouldn’t have a fucking clue what we were doing.
@Tryptameanie 576501 wrote:
A man and his wife were being visited by the midwife for a check up after the birth of their first child. The midwife rings the doorbell and the door is opened by the wife.
“Hey, what are you doing?” asks the midwife, “You should be in bed so soon after giving birth.”
“Well, my husband’s upstairs bathing the baby.” she replies.
The midwife goes upstairs to the bathroom to see how the husband is doing, but to her shock, she sees him leaning over the bath, 2 fingers inserted up the baby’s nostrils, swirling it around in the water in a figure of 8.
“What the hell are you doing?” she screams, “That’s not how you bathe a baby!”
“Listen….” says the husband, “It bloody well is when the water’s this hot!”
i don’t get it
He’s using the baby as the water is too hot for his hand.
Help any?
thats what i thought
Sorry for making you read all that to end up so disappointed DB.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his iPod except 1 song.
I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
These two fat lads with tits have moved in next door to me.
I told them to piss off cos I’d heard that a couple of lesbians were interested in it.
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Forums › The Vibe › Jokes & Comedy › Bad Joke Thread