Bad Joke Thread

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she started to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.
“Tell him,” she whispered, “that there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A young lady was standing outside the gates of Heaven, but was a little disturbed by the horrific screams of pain and agony coming from within. So she turned to St. Peter and asked what was going on. He replied that it was the sound of new angels getting large holes drilled in their backs to enable their wings to be fitted, and small holes being drilled in their heads for their halos. She said to St. Peter,
“Heaven sounds terrible. I think perhaps I’d rather go to Hell.” Rather taken aback, St. Peter replied,
“But in Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized for ever!”
“Yes,” she said, “but at least I’ve already got holes for that.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

:omg::lol_big::lol_big::lol_big::lol_big::lol_big:

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A nun got into a taxi but noticed that the cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he replies,
“I have a question to ask you but I’m afraid to in case I offend you.”
She answered,
“My dear son, you can’t offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have just about heard and seen everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”
She responded,
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that. Firstly, are you Catholic and single?”
The cab driver started to get very excited and said,
“Yes, I’m single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun replied,
“OK, pull into the next layby”
He did this and the nun obliged him by giving him a blow-job. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started to get very emotional and upset.
“My dear child, why are you crying?” enquired the nun.
“Please forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
“That’s OK,” said the nun, “my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween Party.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

^^LMFAO

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

A cop pulls a man over in Ferguson USA.

“Do you know why I’ve pulled you over?”

“Because of the dead nigger in my boot?”

“Nah, broken tail light. Please get it fixed, and you take care now.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Must be your jokes that have seen this kicked out of the top threads Angel, Thanks :rolleyes:

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

I’ll give it a rest for s while :horay:

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

@Angel 577679 wrote:

I’ll give it a rest for s while :horay:

Noooooooooooooooooooo, without you, it’s just me 🙁

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his mates every Sunday night?

Because he’s married.

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::devilish::devilish::devilish:

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Waterboarding must be the utmost punishment for Africans.

Imagine being tortured with something you actually walked five miles for.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

My wife read a text message whilst going through my phone. It said, “Thanks for the amazing sex last night.xx”

“You lying bastard!” she yelled, holding it to my face. “You told me you stayed at your mum’s!”

“I did,” I replied.

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A man was walking along the beach when he tripped over something in the sand. Upon examination, he saw that it was a genie’s lamp. He eagerly rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie who said,
“I am the genie of the lamp. I have been trapped in this lamp for three thousand years. For setting me free I will grant you one wish.”

This was a tough one, and the man gave it a lot of thought. Finally, he pulled out a map and said,
“It’s been one of my ambitions in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It’s called the Middle East and it’s a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot of money or fame, but I’d really like to use this one wish for peace in the Middle East.”

The genie looked disappointed. He said,
“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t grant that wish. The people of that region have been fighting for many thousands of years. The wars go back hundreds of generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area and boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred is too far engrained into that part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good. I’m very sorry, but I just can’t do that. Do you have another wish?”

“Well,” said the man, “If I can’t do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men generally: I would like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I want to use my wish to fully understand women.”
The genie replied,
“Let me see that map again…..”

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A beautiful girl went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,”she replied. “You’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” the woman said. “You’re checking for any lumps or possible malignancies.”
“Correct.” replied the doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started humping her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.”

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

Saturday morning I got up very early, quietly got dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly out into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the truck and started to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing at 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied,”Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

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