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I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.
The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.
What’s the difference between the US and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
I’d like to give thanks to America for helping us out on the war against terror.
After all, if they hadn’t been FUNDING THE FUCKING IRA for the past 30 years, we wouldn’t have a fucking clue what we were doing.
The jokes here. I never get tired of this. Good stuff, guys! Good stuff and thank you for making us laugh. 😀
I said to my wife “If you lick my bell-end, I’ll come.”
“Fuck off, you’re coming shopping with me whether you like it or not.”
THE WAR AGAINST TERRORISM….
….God’s way of teaching geography to Americans!
Terrorist news.
Bin Laden’s close friend, Bin Lorry, kills six in Glasgow.
A woman just dropped a £20 note next to me.
I thought, “What would Jesus do?” So I turned it into wine.
Well, I bought wine.
Why is Santa Claus always smiling?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I’m studying feminism at university.
It basically covers different periods in history.
I was having dinner round my girlfriend’s house for the first time.
“Can I use your bathroom?” I asked.
“Of course. Just make sure you spray the air freshener!” said her mother jokingly.
“No need,” I replied. “Cocaine doesn’t smell.”
My wife fell into the river and was screaming for me to help.
I took out my phone but there was no signal.
I will just have to upload the pics to Facebook when I get home.
An atheist, a vegan and crossdresser walk in to a bar, within two minutes they had informed everyone in there.
I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
After 35 years, mailman George decided to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this is just too wonderful for words,” he says, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she says, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ But breakfast was my idea.”
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Forums › The Vibe › Jokes & Comedy › Bad Joke Thread