Bad Joke Thread

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
“It begins with ‘D’ and ends in ‘O’ .. and it fits snugly in there”, she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, “Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Me and the lads at work were having a great laugh today drawing caricatures of Mohammed, but Akhmed didn’t join in. He said he’ll be back tomorrow with something to blow us all away.

It must be a cracking drawing if he’s working overnight on it.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

The two Charlie Hebdo gunmen have been killed by French police.

The best thing of all is, now that Jimmy Savile’s had three years in the next life, there won’t be any virgins waiting for them.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

“Dad, when are you going to fix the radiator in my bedroom? I still can’t turn it off and it’s too hot. When I have my friends over, we always end up taking all our clothes off,” said my teenage daughter.

“I thought I’d sorted that problem out a month ago,” I replied.

“No dad,” she said. “The CCTV you installed has made no difference.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

“Oh come on, baby!” said the girl in a thick Geordie accent. “Just one more time.”

“I can’t,” I replied. “We’ve done it five times already and I’m absolutely spent.”

“Let me suck you for a bit,” she said. “I can make you hard again.”

“Sorry, honey,” I replied.

“Look,” she said, “I know a guy who can be here in ten minutes with a shitload of Viagra.”

“But I’m physically exhausted too,” I said, pulling up my trousers.

“Call yourself a rapist?” she shouted, as I legged it out the park.

[1 Angela Diment @angela-diment Member]

i was dissapointed my husband did not open up more

so the next time I put my fist up his arse i used a lube

[1 Garoldeep Singh @garoldeep-singh Member]

3 little girls are playing in the garden while there mother lends to the flower beds, one of the little girls asks her mother, ‘mum, why am I called Rose?’
The mother turns and says, ‘well, when you where born, a rose petal fell on to your head, so I called you Rose.’
‘Oh, ok mum’ say the daughter.
Then another dughter asks, ‘muuuum……why am I called Daisy?’
Again, the mother turns and replies, ‘Like your sister, a Daisy petal fell on your head, and I called you Daisy.’
‘Uhh, ok then.’ And the child returns to playing.
The last of the daughters go to her mother and says, ‘MMMMUUUURURRRRRMMMMNRNNNUUUMMMRHHHUGGGHHHH’
The mother turns and says, ‘oh shut up fridge.’

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

What’s worse than 1000 babies stapled to a tree?
1 baby stapled to 1000 trees.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

When my girlfriend screams “harder.. deeper” I respond by yelling “Wetter.. tighter…” Who the fuck does she think she is?

[1 bjames_37921 @bjames_37921 Participant]

Foreskin

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

@bjames_37921 586968 wrote:

Foreskin

?????????

Don’t get that, as don’t most Americans which I believe shows that at least some common sense is stored in the foreskin.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

[video]Some black youths dissed me on the street today. This wouldn’t have happened 200 years ago. I’d have fucking owned them.[/video]

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

My girlfriend was sucking me off when she asked me if I’d like to come in her mouth.

At least, I assumed that’s what “mmn nyrg, No! Fgurble, You fkng bsdlard! gurble.” meant.

I wish I knew I was going to grow up to be paedophile.

I’d have taken pictures of myself naked when I was younger.

I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object…

Hi.

[[deleted] @[deleted] Guest]

A youth bent over an oap and started fucking her
hang on she said “i’m good for the other end too,when I take my teeth out”

[1 The Psyentist @the-psyentist Member]

I just quite literally laughed in the face of a disabled person.

Was coming out of a shop when this old biddy on a mobility scooter cut me up and forced me to jump out of their way. No apology or anything. Was tempted to shout something, but held my tongue as karma decided their fate for me. They zipped across a pavement, just a few strides away from me, and as they went to mount the other side of the road, they missed where the pavement drops and just hit the kerb. The result was a high pitched wailing ‘meurrgh’ type noise, the kind of noise you might emit if trying to scream a profanity but are overcome with shock before you can properly summon any true syllables. This was followed by a loud clattering of the scooter crashing over, quickly pursued by the dim thud of a body hitting the floor and then the sound of a bag of onions rolling down the tarmac. All summed up by the hurried sound of scuffling feet rushing to help and a hearty belly laugh from myself.

Not a joke, just something funny that happened

[Author]

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