Bad Joke Thread

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Morpheus and Neo are plugged in to the Matrix and having a chat.

Morpheus turns to Neo, “In this world you can be anything you want.”

There is a short silence.

Neo: “Then why are you a nigger?”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, “They can’t do two things at once.”

At this, I interrupted and said, “Actually I can!”

“Give me an example,” she replied.

“Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend.”

[1 Iliesse @iliesse Participant Subscriber]

@Tryptameanie 589261 wrote:

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, “They can’t do two things at once.”

At this, I interrupted and said, “Actually I can!”

“Give me an example,” she replied.

“Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend.”

YEAAAAR, THE FIRST JOKE I UNDERSTAND IN ENGLISH

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths.

Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300 dead.

Fuck, it makes you proud to be British!

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body.

Take Gary Glitter for example; he was jailed for putting a Thai on his cock.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Don’t know why my Wife gets so hung up on me missing the bowl and occasionally hitting the toilet seat.

After all, it’s only a bit of poo…

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Doctors claim to have found a cure for the common cold. They inject you with Parkinson’s, then you should be able to shake it off in a week

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

It’s my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I’ve found my sea legs.

I’m not falling for it, I know for a fact that seals don’t lay eggs.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Husband and wife…

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband – Aaah! …At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife – Do you want me to leave?
Husband – No! Don’t even think about it.
Wife – Do you love me?
Husband – Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife – Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband – No! Why are you even asking?
Wife – Will you kiss me?
Husband – Every chance I get!
Wife – Will you hit me?
Husband – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife – Can I trust you?
Husband – Yes.
Wife – Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Scene – Altrincham Grammar School for Boys, late 1960’s.

Headmaster – “What’s your excuse for being absent yesterday, boy?”

Pupil – “I was under the weather, man.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I’m really worried about my parrot.
He keeps saying, “I can’t go on, I hate my life”.

My room-mate’s too selfish to notice. He’s always crying.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I can’t stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”

Fucking firemen.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Only in Essex can a girl be both jailbait AND a MILF.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, “Do you like my new piercing?”

After a few seconds she said, “Where’s the piercing then?”

I said, “In my ear.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

50 Shades of Grey banned by Indonesia. “We cannot condone this depravity,” said Muhammad Adul, accompanied by his 9-year-old wife.

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