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  • Bloke in court being tried for throwing a Pakistani of the top floor of a building.
    Judge: ‘Quite frankly, I am appalled. In all my years on the bench this is the most flagrant disregard for human life I have ever had the misfortune to witness. In passing the most severe of sentences I can only hope to protect society from any further endangerment, but before I announce my judgement i would like to ask one question……’

    ‘Didn’t you know you could have hit somebody?’

    A plane carrying Christian missionaries crashes in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Miraculously, two priests and a nun survive and make it to a remote desert island. Stranded all alone, with no hope of rescue, the three are unable to resist temptation.

    However, after a few months, the woman is overcome by guilt at the sins she has committed and so she kills herself.

    Several months later, the two priests have a moment of clarity and realise they also cannot cope with the guilt of what they are doing.

    So they bury her.

    I started hanging out with this American the other day…not by choice though, I got pulled into his orbit.

    Optimist- The glass is half full.

    Pessimist- The glass is half empty.

    Feminist- The glass is being raped.

    A black guy goes into a bakery. While he’s waiting to get served he hears a voice say “fuck off back to the jungle, Nigger”.

    He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.

    “Excuse me”, he says to the girl behind the counter, “did you hear what these things just said?”

    “Sorry about that. They’re Chelsea buns.”

    An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”

    One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.” Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

    Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

    The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

    Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

    The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
    Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
    Doctor: “But this is $500…”

    Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

    I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

    Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

    “My ex-wife still misses me

    but her aim is getting better!”

    Jeremy Clarkson says he expects to be sacked by the BBC.

    No wonder. He’s 54 years old and still hasn’t fucked a kid.

    I don’t know, the modern world. All these electrical apparatus that speak to you.

    I have a computer that tells me it has updated itself, an alarm clock that tells me it’s time to wake up, a sat-nav system that tells me the right direction and a bedside lamp that tells me to go out and kill women.

    I pulled a girl the other night, she said she was never in the mood for sex till she had a bottle of wine inside her.

    After a bit of a struggle it turned out she meant she wanted to drink it.

    Three nuns are sitting on a park bench.
    A man comes up and exposes himself to them.
    Two of them had a stroke, but the third one couldn’t reach.

    +1 for trying hahahhaaha.

    Right, heres a really good joke for ya…..

    ME SAYING I WON’T DRINK. HA!

    Sobriety still alluding you mate?

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Forums The Vibe Jokes & Comedy Bad Joke Thread