Bad Joke Thread

[1 Garoldeep Singh @garoldeep-singh Member]

Muchly, I’m gonna make a doctors appointment in a bit, as I can’t seem to digest food properly anymore without the presence of alcohol. I shake a lot and don’t feel well without it, I’m only now coming to terms with the fact I have a serious problem. But I don’t want to do the whole rehab shit as it doesn’t work for me, but on the flip side, I want to do it as it’ll take me out of the situation where I feel I NEED to drink.

I drank 16 pints on Saturday, 14 on Sunday and 9 yesterday, and was only ‘sleepy’ not even drunk or tipsy, I’ve financially fucked myself with a concrete cock and now am in the realization stage where things MUST be sorted out as one of my best friends father died from alcohol abuse, and apparently I’m drinking more than he did…..

If I do get help I doubt it last long in honesty, I’m too stubborn and like my ways, but I know there not good…….watch this space.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I doubt very much I’d have stopped drinking without the detox. The temptation to do it is and the ease at which you can do it just made it impossible to me. Accepting you have a problem is a very good start though bud :).

[1 Garoldeep Singh @garoldeep-singh Member]

@Requiem 594910 wrote:

I doubt very much I’d have stopped drinking without the detox. The temptation to do it is and the ease at which you can do it just made it impossible to me. Accepting you have a problem is a very good start though bud :).

I know but I’ve just spent the rest of me dla money in the pisser, yeah ok I got 2 weeks worth of shopping done before hand, but I now can’t go buy the fishing tackle I need to go Barbel hunting like I PROMISED my friend we would, I spent most of today rattling about and having hot/cold streaks due to withdrawals of booze…..It’s really getting to the point where I’m gonna drink myself in to an early pit, even of of the bar staff refused to serve me as they were very concerned about me, but foolishly I ‘fobbed’ them off and said it was just cause I was cold. I can’t even handle the idea of not drinking…….

I honestly don’t know what to do, I dare not be honest with my parents as I don’t think I can handle putting them through more stress than they have already, it getting to the point where I’m only going one way…..6 feet down. I’m too ashamed to go to the Dr.’s and seek help, as I don’t wanna end up hooked on meds again, but I don’t wanna be hooked on the drink. I really don’t know what to do, I can’t take this shit anymore, its fuckin me up so much and I can’t stop as its the only thing that gets me thought the days.

I fuckin hate my life and who I am. I need help, badly.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I walked into A&E and told them I couledn’t stop drinking and I was gonna kill myself if I didn’t get help then and got admitted that day. I very much doubt I’d have managed to get a scheduled detox for months if it was arranged by the doctor or somefrom from the drug and alcohol centre.

[1 Garoldeep Singh @garoldeep-singh Member]

I don’t trust my local hospital as it was funded by one of the biggest pedophiles this cuntery, sorry, country, has ever know….plus there aren’t any qualified staff there, full of retarded students, would rather take my chances in honesty.

I might try and get out of this scum infested town for a while or just up and leave, as things are getting to the point where I really don’t care/give a shit/want to know.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I suspect you are unlikely to be the target of a pedo Gylfi. The staff on the ward I did my detox on were pure ignorant lazy cunts and the chance of students being as bad as they were is slim but you won’t be surround by staff constantly all day anyway, unless you manage to get yourself sectioned.

I never thought about leaving and going somewhere else, seemed pointless. Wherever you go, even alone, maybe especially alone, alcohol will be alcohol is gonna be sat waiting for you when you get there. The thing you want to get away from will be the only thing you have therewith you. Think I’d just end up arseholed in another place.

[1 Garoldeep Singh @garoldeep-singh Member]

@Requiem 594961 wrote:

I suspect you are unlikely to be the target of a pedo Gylfi. The staff on the ward I did my detox on were pure ignorant lazy cunts and the chance of students being as bad as they were is slim but you won’t be surround by staff constantly all day anyway, unless you manage to get yourself sectioned.

I never thought about leaving and going somewhere else, seemed pointless. Wherever you go, even alone, maybe especially alone, alcohol will be alcohol is gonna be sat waiting for you when you get there. The thing you want to get away from will be the only thing you have therewith you. Think I’d just end up arseholed in another place.

I just fear being dumped in the same draconian care system I was before. Last time I was in imprisoned at the NHS’s pleasure, I was failed by poor care, poor management and a general lack of input from staff members. I’m not too sure if I could handle going through all that again, as well as being surrounding by people I don’t wish to know or converse with (like last time).
Ideal world, I wanna never leave my flat again for a few months, become a shut in and, harsh as it sounds, ignore everyone around me. Generally when out and about, whether it be skateboarding, fishing, shooting, walking/rambling or even food shopping…the pub ALWAYS becomes the final outcome, but I’ve spent a whole day indoors today without so much as going near the door. I’m just worried I’ll fuck up and go to the doctors and end up in the pub straight afterwards back to square one. I’m probably gonna try and build up a weapons cache of benzo’s to stop me from going in to town and wasting all my money again, £240 gone in 2-3 days of drinking, yet again I’ve failed to pay rent or that dirty three letter word that I doubt I’ll ever pay (unless I know where it’s going to be spent). Having spent all day indoors with my phone on flight-mode, FB on stealth mode and not answering the door or com I’ve basically spent it trying to work out WHY I’ve become so so incapable of not drinking, and I’ve only come to a few conclusions, some rather convoluted and others stark truths I’ve not wanted to admit to myself:

a) I’m unhappy with my life as I’ve always been cast in the shadows of my younger brother, a narcissist with pathological lying tendencies, with whom I am THEE polar opposite in every way, thus causing my misery and feelings of inadequacy as a person and a man, never been in a relationship and have only really ever got pity sex and that was years ago, so that really don’t make me feel very good or confident about myself at all.

b) Having had minor bipolar disorder as a child and in the recent 10 years or so, it had began to manifest itself more and more, which I’m sure you’ve seen on my FB posts, as well as on here. I don’t take meds as I’ve spent most of my life on meds and want to be ‘clean’ (kettle calling the pot black much?) of anti-depressants and the like, but now they look like the only way to get me back on track.

c) Being rather anti-social as a child, I hated, well, despised other children. Had no friends in school (not one in all three [first, middle and secondary]), was the subject of severe bullying and was driven to suicide at 11, then again a 13, again at 20, 22, 25 and last year(27) I was found hanging, not very alive, from a tree outside the local TA center. Still to this day I can’t help but think ‘do I do it today? throw myself off a bridge? or hang myself from a very tall tree? Many of my friends make snide remarks about suicide and it fuckin hurts me as they know I have a history of it.

d) Being of a different mind set to basically everyone I know, I do not follow the rules, I do not play the game as I do not like the rules. Thus having to do thing I don’t want to makes me want to drink so as to avoid doing them, things like rent, that three letter word etc.

I know someone is gonna say these are just excuses and that I’m deflecting it and blah fucking blah, but your life ain’t mine so don’t go on like you know my story. You don’t, you only know what I tell you, and that is fuck all, I’ve done some truly sickening things, things I should be hung for yet karma hasn’t done me in yet……unless the alcoholism IS karma coming back to exact revenge upon me, them if its that I fully accept my punishment and will no doubt drink myself in to an early hole…..

Time will tell I guess.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

They aren’t excuses mate and you do genuinely appear that you’ve had enough of alcohol and the reasons you gave I can relate to. Different things work for different different people and whichever way you try I really wish you luck. It’s fucking shit to start but if you really want it it rapidly gets better.

I won’t go on, cos I’m not you, but unless you’ve hung someone or very close to it you don’t deserve to be hung

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

My wife suggested we put the mystery back into our love life.

“Okay,” I said. “Guess who I’d rather shag than you.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

How embarrassing. Just as my bride-to-be began her walk down the aisle, my mobile rang.

It was the vicar demanding to know where the fuck I was.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.”
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting in the bed!”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

It’s been two weeks since I propped up a scarecrow in the corner of our bedroom.

And the wife’s still not noticed the mirror’s missing.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status.

After five, it ought to default to “Unstable”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I smacked a Paki on the head with a hammer yesterday at 12:00.

Bang on the dot.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Apparently these are real answers from Quiz programs.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What’s the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

BEACON RADIO, (Wolverhampton)
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

GWR FM, (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

LINCOLNSHIRE FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry; I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world’s largest continent?
A: The Pacific

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err…
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which ‘s’ is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with ‘s’ and rhymes with ‘perm’.
Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ‘j’ is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We’re looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it’s ‘T’. ‘T’ for Tommy. ‘T’ for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab…?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm…
Presenter: Well, let’s put it this way – he didn’t see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

FAMILY FORTUNES.
Presenter : Name a bird with a long neck?
Contestant : Naomi Campbell

Presenter : Name a dangerous race?
Contestant :The Arabs

Presenter : Name something that’s red?
Contestant : My Nan’s Cardigan

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