Bad Joke Thread

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do.

That’s why I killed myself last night.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter.

The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Quick travel tip for anyone planning an overseas trip this Easter: make sure your pilot’s a Scouser – you’ll never catch one of those bastards tearing up a sick note and going in to work.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

“Now pay attention black 007, this may look like a pen but in fact … Hold on a minute, where’s that fucking pen gone?”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Now listen carefully Bond…

This may look like a credit card, but in fact this card will unlock the doors of opportunities no matter your skills, anytime you don’t get your own way simply show this, we call it the “Race card”.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Computer: “Enter new password.”
Me: “Beef stew”
Computer: “Sorry, not stroganoff”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I turned into a cat earlier.

Don’t ask meow.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

“Take your shoes off before you come in the house!” shouted my wife from the front door. “I’ve just cleaned the carpet.”

“Thank fuck for that,” I replied. “For a moment I thought you’d opened a mosque.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

You notice that three black men are walking behind you. What steps would you take?

Fucking long ones.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

BBC News

“Being obese can cut your risk of dementia”

Let’s rephrase that to

“Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I was invited to attend a lesbian rally.

Two hours of shit driving? No thanks.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Whats pink and goes pop?

A baby in a microwave.

Whats black and white and red all over?

A penguin in a blender.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I get so fed up of the newspapers calling people ‘racist’ for attacks on Muslims.

Islam isn’t a race.

It’s a mental illness.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

My girlfriend is a miserable cunt. Even after two weeks in the Bahamas!

Unbelievable! Worst welcome home ever!

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

Whenever I have sex, it’s a race to see who comes first.

Me or the police.

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