Bad Joke Thread

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I was dancing with this fat girl in a club and she kept looking at her watch.

“It’s nearly twelve,” she said. “I’ll have to go.”

“Why, do you change into a beautiful princess?” I asked.

“No, you sarcastic cunt,” she replied. “The fucking kebab shop shuts at one.

[1 smokemary @smokemary Participant]

What have women and gardens got in common?

They both need a good digging twice a year

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

“I’ve been a very bad girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
“Very well”, he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

LMAO.

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he’s pouring it the bartender asks “So what’s the story with the leg?”
“Well it were many a year ago,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night.”
“That’s terrible,” says the bartender. “What about the hand?”
“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night.”
“Wow,” says the bartender. “So what about the eye?”
“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!”
“Oh man,” says the bartender. “And that blinded you?”
“Well no,” says the pirate. “But it were me first day with the hook.”

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes. The first passenger yells, “I’m Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can’t afford to die.” he took the first parachute and jumped. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, “I’m the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders “Take the last parachute.” Bernie says, “It’s ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The world’s smartest man just took my backpack.”

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

One good thing about premature ejaculation is that porn lasts you a very long time.
I bought a video back in 1992 and I still haven’t made it past the FBI warning thing

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

HAHAHA

[6 Angel @angel Moderator Staff]

Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people’s business.
Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town’s only bar all afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home ….and left it there all night.

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I volunteered to do a stint in a soup kitchen.

At closing time, they get quite resentful when you say, “Come on, some of us have got homes to go to.”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

The morning of my wife’s birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, “It’s a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?”

“It’s not just any wand,” I replied, “It’s a magic wand!”

“Really?” she said. “What does it do?”

“Why don’t you give it shake,” I told her, “and don’t forget to say the magic words.”

“Okay,” she said shaking the wand. “Abracadabra!”

“Fuck me, love!” I said, peering down the side of the bed. “You’re not going to believe this.”

“What is it?” she asked all excitedly.

I said, “You’ve just made all your other presents disappear!”

[1 tryptameanie @tryptameanie Participant]

I just got an email from TripAdvisor entitled: Syrian migrant crisis, what will you do to help?

So I immediately logged in and gave Syria a great review. Maybe that way they’ll all fuck off back.

[1 smokemary @smokemary Participant]

A man walks into a zoo and it only has a dog
It’s a shit zoo

[1 slimshifty217 @slimshifty217 Participant]

what do u call a game of basketball between mexicans? juan on juan

little johnny’s class rule was if u could answer a question from the day’s lesson, u could go home early. well little johnny wasn’t so good with his lessons this year and never got to go home. one day the teacher asked, ‘who was president during pearl harbor?’ little johnny’s classmate, sally, was the smartest kid in class so she responded, ‘TEDDY ROOSEVELT!’ and was immediately excused. next day the teacher said, ‘ok, what is 2+6-3×4?’ sally jumped and said, ‘-4!’ and again she left early. the next day little johnny got upset and knew he had to beat sally. so at the end of class, the teacher was erasing the board when little johnny threw a pencil that hit her in the head. the teacher jerked around angrily and said, ‘who did that?!’ little johnny said, ‘ME! can i go home now?’

a mexican and a black guy get into a fight. who wins? we all do.

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