Party Vibe

By Schnews – Friday 19th July 2002

REVELLERS partied the night away on Brighton seafront last Saturday to the sound of overhead police helicopter display teams, traffic chaos, stranded emergency vehicles and the ecstatic screams of a quarter of a million happily crushed ravers.

The event, hosted by the Big Beached Buttock, featured the huge talent of disk jockey Fate By Slime who played some records to approximately 3000 people in front of Brighton West Pier. Meanwhile the remaining 247,000 party-goers looked on in awe and jubilation, but couldn’t hear a bloody thing.

Party animals had been bussed in from as far afield as the Highlands of Scotland where whole hillsides had been cleared of trees and vegetation to make way for huge billboard posters for the event of the century. Welsh revellers talked of sheep that had been used as walking adverts for the gig with directions written in Welsh and English branded onto their once snow white bodies. Council ‘helper’ Simone Franchise stated that the massive advertising campaign had been essential in order to make the Flat Boy Scam gig the huge success that it was: “Everyone knows that an event of this magnitude has to be hugely over-attended. Some people have moaned about litter and broken glass on the beach but let’s face it, where do you think all that rubbish came from? Mostly from our shops and therefore using our beach as a landfill site is good for business and good for everyone in Brighton.”

Life’s a Beach

Despite a handful of tragedies relating to the event, the police immediately ruled out any talk of an enquiry into the fantastically financially successful maritime pop show. Police spokesman Superindented Death Ray stated that the problems relating to the salty extravaganza were ‘fairly obvious’ and an inquiry would tell organisers nothing they did not already know about the event. Luckily there had been only one death relating directly to the event and a mere 160 injuries during the night and as such the event had been ‘as safe as houses.’ Death added that having 250,000 drunk people and children trapped on a darkened Brighton beach in dangerously overcrowded conditions surrounded by broken glass and urine and unattended by emergency services was ‘character building’, creating a sense of community and togetherness reminiscent of the Blitz. Eyewitness reports that anarchy broke out as revellers threw bottles into the crowd and at emergency personnel have been dismissed as ‘unproductive’ criticism. As a result of the spectacular safety record and outstanding organisational skills displayed throughout Saturday evening by the police, officials felt questions raised by a handful of moaning locals were largely irrelevant. Brighton and Hove Council agreed whole-heartedly as did event organisers
Big Beached Blunder.

Free for all party

Event Organisers The Big Blunder joined forces with the council and police to stress that in no way should the Filled By Slime gig be confused with the illegal free parties that have historically occurred on Brighton and Shoreham beaches. “We have gone to great lengths to stamp out the scourge that is the local free party scene; that cancerous rash that blights our cultural landscape should in no way be confused with legitimate council-backed beach-trashing events, all of which are wonderful and never go wrong”. Council spokesthing Simian Fanfare added that “The council only supports events that are much, much larger and more corporate than free parties and therefore better. More mindless consumers visiting Brighton means more beer and chips being sold everywhere, as well as silly hats, sales of which have gone through the roof, and that’s very important for our City of Culture Bid.” Mr Fiasco also pointed out that the costs of policing this particular event as well as the impact of a quarter of a million guests descending on the city meant the event was far from free to local residents – unlike the vast majority of free parties which have done nothing to improve the corporate worth of Brand Brighton.

Meanwhile free party organisers are said to be fleeing the country in fear of their lives as Brighton Council death squads are being mobilised to further enforce their ‘say no to unlicensed fun’ campaign. One free party organiser who prefers to remain nameless stated that: “We’re being persecuted because we keep throwing underground free parties for a few hundred locals without adequate advertising.

Several of our crew were arrested last weekend for picking up litter and giving away free water to party-goers at an unlicensed free party. When they were eventually released, all they could do was dribble while reciting the Brighton and Hove mission statement over and over again.” The drugged up squat rave organiser later added that “Finding sites with adequate parking well away from the public scrutiny has just got us in the worst kind of trouble – maybe in future we should just organise Dresden style leaflet drops and invite everyone to come and piss on our beach; it seems to work OK for the council.”

After the unmitigated success of the gig on the beach, DJ Fete Boy (real name Naomi Coke) spent the remainder of the night guzzling Champagne and playing even more records for all of his celebrity friends in an exclusive Brighton nightspot. In the small hours, the exhausted DJ and his beautiful wife were whisked away in a limousine to their sparkling luxury condominium love pad with its private beach, which remains, as ever, beautifully clean.

Meanwhile, some people in our lovely new broken-glass-sparkly City, the ones who actually do useful jobs like clean the litter and look after sick people, have complained that they can’t actually afford to live here anymore. Some even joined the nationwide strike on Wednesday, complaining, “It’s time they (the Council) decided whether this is a playground for Londoners or a city for its own people.”

Council spokesperson Simpering Fanatic told the Anus “Why don’t the poor people all just fuck off to Hastings?”