I don’t know what more I can say. I see you are 29. Still enough time to do something with your life, if you want to. Take a long hard look at some of the older junkies. Swollen hands, face etched with lines, sallow skin, looking older than their years. Do you want to end up there. I’ve seen people five years younger than me looking ten years older than me. Listen, while you are straight, to some of them saying they want to give it up (or saying anything else, for that matter): no-one sounds as insincere as someone on gear. Their insincerity grates on the ears. At the time, they may genuinely mean it, but the feeling is so transient, they may as well have LIAR tattooed on their forehead in purple. It sounds for all the world that they would say anything, depending on who they were talking to and what they thought the other person wanted to hear.
What’s the worst physical pain you have ever experienced? Obviously not childbirth (nor me). Have you ever had REAL flu? Not the kind my mates moan about while watching TV, with their girlfriends pandering to their ceaseless whims: the kind that puts you on your back in bed for several days, and you feel like you are dying. Not nice, but not the end of the world. Have you ever awoken from surgery, maybe with a skewer keeping a bone straight (or any other type; although, if it’s cosmetic then I have no sympathy with the vain masochists)? You just get on with it, becuase there is no choice. You say you are gay. Have you ever taken a severe beating from some thuggy wankers?
I don’t know how long you were/have been using gear for, but the big problem for most is boredom. Smack can become your life. Great buzz, crap lifestyle. Were you a shoplifter, for example? Waking up, using the bit you had saved from the night before, going out to steal, going to the pub to sell the ill-gotten gains (turn of phrase, not judgmental), going to score, going off to do the gear, gouching out for a bit, before going to bed, only to wake up the day after, and go through the whole routine again. If you were dealing, that too, is a lifestyle.
The only answer to that is to occupy yourself. I am a great believer in education. I don’t know if that is your bag (sorry, no pun intended), but even if you aren’t academically inclined there are other routes; artistic, or vocational skills. This will occupy you and stand you in good stead in the future. Many people dismiss education because of bad experiences at school. Lots of people think they are thick, but just get sidetracked at school for various reasons. How many people have you seen in the pub, not an O’ level to their name but able to work out the score in a darts game instantly? Many of those, if you suggested that they go to college and study maths, would think you were taking the piss, but they obviously have some neglected ability in mathematics.
My former girlfriend is a case in point; not regarding maths, but generally. Put off school early in her comprehensive school years, and not achieving what she was undoubtedly capable of. She can argue a point with me on politics, social issues, or other common sense issues, and persuade me that I need to modify my views. Not an O’level to her name.
If that’s not your thing, get a dog and walk its legs off (another therapeutic activity that I swear by; although, DON’T take one on lightly. They tie you down for a decade or more, need PROPERLY looking after, including not overfeeding, and it’s upsetting when they die). Take on some voluntary role; this should give you some (possibly much needed) self-esteem. There must be loads of other things that you could do that you would enjoy, benefit from, and keep you occupied.
I hope none of this sounds patronising; it isn’t meant to be so.
Hope you manage to sort yourself out.
Andy W
