Originally taken from the blog of the Peoples Republic of Cigarettestan at Tribal Living, which appears to be currently inaccessible for non TL members (plus a test to debug some odd things with images. there should be a old tape recorder, a flat headed cat of SE Asia, and a map. but what I see is half a map, cut off just below Manilla and Phomn Penh). King Nosmo would say
“what in blue blazes is going on here? how are we supposed to be navigating with only half a map. surely this way, everyone will be falling into the latrine”.
some of you may think it strange, that a socialist Peoples Republic has a King! Indeed it is most irregular, but our legendary monarch is globally unique
King Nosmo arrived on the shores of Cigarettestan some time between 1968 and 1974 – having run aground with a great cargo of smuggled Scotch and tobacco, in his own vessel “De drankschuit”, an old barge the Dutch had sold to the British for scrap metal, but was somehow patched up and refloated. When the King arrived here he had already navigated from Orfordness to the South China Sea and was originally intending to drop anchor in Manila, but had made a misjudgement in his navigation, the attractions of the cargo of Scotch, his advancing years and stubborn refusal to wear his specs being a factor. The King considers spectacles to be a “pernicious Japanese conspiracy to stereotype us Asians as all short sighted”.
His MAYDAY call was picked up on VHF by the antennas on the Central Mosque, Nelson Approach, handled by the Coastal Radio Station of the Post Office and recorded on a spool of tape.
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY
THIS IS DRANKSCHUIT DRANKSCHUIT DRANKSCHUIT GOLF WHISKEY DELTA SIERRA (note British callsign!)
POSITION CURRENTLY UNKNOWN.
I HAVE RUN AGROUND AND REQUIRE IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE
MAYDAY DRANKSCHUIT OVER.
MAYDAY DRANKSCHUIT DRANKSCHUIT DRANKSCHUIT
THIS IS NELSON COASTGUARD NELSON COASTGUARD NELSON COASTGUARD VICTOR NINE ALPHA ONE.
RECEIVED MAYDAY.
YOU ARE AGROUND ON THE NELSON APPROACH SANDBANKS, REPUBLIC OF CIGARETTESTAN. SENDING RESCUE UNITS TO YOUR POSITION.
PLEASE REMAIN CALM, AND DO NOT FEED THE BEARS.
VICTOR NINE ALPHA ONE OVER.
The mosque worshippers and anyone else in the street all rushed to the stricken vessels aid, where the King was found to be in good spirits (and having consumed a fair amount himself), and singing Elvis songs.
In spite of their faiths prohibition against alcohol, the worshippers considered the very fact this “drunken old uncle” had made it alive as a near miracle, some had heard he had even visited the wild areas of Bolton, in England where savages wandered around wearing no shirts, the electric light was intermittent, the natives were forced to eat coal every Thursday, and giant rats, stoats and weasels all ran loose in the streets.
So with great shouts of “Allah-u-Ahkbar” they brought him to the mosque, where he promptly fell asleep in the mosque cats basket (to the surprise of all, as cats’ baskets are the same size in Cigarettestan as they are in Western nations and it is difficult for a grown adult to fit in one.
However even the cat seemed not to mind this incursion, and it was later found that the old guy seemed to attract stray cats, dogs and other creatures. As this put a stop to the nuisance from such animals (a common problem in SE Asia) he was soon enough appointed King, and a palace built for him out of old shipping containers, which also serves as the National Zoo.
To this day the King resides there, watched over by an élite detatchment the Peoples Army.
Although the Drankschuit is now safely in the Royal Naval Museum on Harry Wrag Lane (admission price only CBR 10.00)*, his Majesty recently acquired a Chinese mobility scooter and (against the advice of the transport ministry) turned up the speed to 25 km/h, so often ends up in the ditches.
So hauling him out keeps many soldiers and other young folk in gainful employment and out of trouble, and readies them for a future career in looking after the old people, should they decide to migrate to Western Nations.
He is also a relatively low cost and eco-friendly monarch in comparison to the Royal Family of England or the Yang di Pertuan-Agong of Malaysia, although with the advent of modern telecommunications his correspondence with other nations must be closely monitored by the Cigarettestan Military Intelligence Service, to stop him causing a diplomatic incident and/or getting the island nuked by North Korea. His Majesty prefers the traditional Post Office telephone with manual switchboard and magneto working, as he considers “dial telephones to be a plot of our former colonial masters to confuse us all with numbers so our offspring can be sent to Europe to be accountants”.
He is rarely sober enough to answer the phone anyway. As an aside, at formal dinners smoking is permitted throughout, as Cigarettestan complies with the old British protocol where it is announced
“Gentlemen, you may smoke. The King is drunk”.
* CBR = Cigarettestan Brass Razoo, the national currency
Ahmed Notshuttof
Thetford, England.
