Funny Jokes

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March 29, 2008 at 9:58 am

#897288
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”

The father, surprised answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts…
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mum, how many types of willies are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree??”
“Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”
March 29, 2008 at 10:02 am

#897289
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
March 29, 2008 at 10:06 am

#897290
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can’t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a knackered Skoda that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and…

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You’re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: I just saw my wife on rollerskates!
March 29, 2008 at 10:07 am

#897291
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing violently. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man’s pecker, and tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the windscreen, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, “Daddy what was that?”

Not wanting embarrassing questions,the father replies, “It was only a bug.” The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, “Sure had a big dick, didn’t it !
March 30, 2008 at 6:41 am

#897585
1

DaftFader

@daftfader

Participant
i was in the car with my driving instructor … (bit old for that now .. i know :/ ..) any way … just about to do an emergancy stop …(not that much oif a fucking emergancy as i had enuff time to thinkl about this …) .. but there was a hurs and like 3 other realy long black cars coming towards us …. so i told my driving instrucktor that that was the result of the last person that tryed an emergance stop down this road :laugh_at:
April 5, 2008 at 10:07 am

#897292
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
Little Jenny is standing in the garden, crying and filling in a hole when the next door neighbour looks over the fence and says “What are you doing there Jenny ?”.

“I’m burying my goldfish, because he’s dead.”

“Oh dear, what a shame. But isn’t that rather a big hole for a goldfish?”.

“Yes, but he’s inside your fucking cat!
April 11, 2008 at 12:24 am

#897379
1

Jon 79

@jon-79

Member
What’s black and white, and red all over?
…
April 11, 2008 at 12:49 am

#897380
1

Jon 79

@jon-79

Member
… A dismembered panda.
May 28, 2008 at 8:23 pm

#897293
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
What do a 9V battery and a woman’s backside have in common?

You know it’s wrong, But sooner or later you’ll put your tongue in both. 😉
May 28, 2008 at 8:25 pm

#897210
[deleted]

@[deleted]

Inactive
DJCliffy wrote:

What do a 9V battery and a woman’s backside have in common?

You know it’s wrong, But sooner or later you’ll put your tongue in both. 😉

:biggreen:
June 6, 2008 at 11:06 am

#897155
1

process

@process

Member
more jokes please…
June 7, 2008 at 1:30 pm

#897564
6

Angel

@angel

Moderator
Staff
A little old lady goes to the doctor … and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Here’s a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent… stink terribly.” The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s start working on your hearing

:laugh_at::laugh_at:
June 7, 2008 at 1:39 pm

#897156
1

process

@process

Member
:laugh_at:
ha ha good one…:laugh_at:
June 7, 2008 at 4:20 pm

#897294
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
A sixteen year old boy goes along to the chemists one day and asks for some condoms. The chemist says he looks very young for that kind of thing and asks what on earth would he want with such things. The boy replies that he has been seeing a girl for a few weeks and things are starting to hot up and that night he is going to her parents house for dinner, and after dinner they are going up to her room where he is going to screw her every style from missionary to doggy and back again. The chemist sells the boy the condoms and off he goes.

That night he rings on his girlfriends door and she answers, brings him into the dining room where her parents are sitting at the table, immediatly the boy sits at the table and buries his face in his hands and starts saying grace. 1 minute passes then 2, and finally 5 minutes pass when the girlfriend leans over and whispers in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religous”

The boy replies “I didn’t know your father was the chemist”
June 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm

#897157
1

process

@process

Member
:laugh_at:ha ha funny shit. keep em coming…
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