Party Vibe

Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Billy says ” Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little BILLY, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Billy says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

When I was 18, I made the Australian Under 19s side to play the South African under 19s side as the curtain-raiser for the Australian Wallabies vs South Africa Springboks match at Cape Town.

That reminds me…

The other day I was at my local pub just having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door of the pub opened & in walked the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. 5’9″ tall, stunning blue eyes & bee-stung lips framed by silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by hotpants and a flimsy cotton top. As far as I could tell, she wore no bra nor needed one.

After watching her walk in & silently cursing myself for hitting every branch when I fell out of the ugly tree, I turned back to my beer. No sooner have I taken a sip but movement catches my eye & I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me & sitting down.

She said hi, I managed to stammer out a reply. She asked how I was going while taking my hand & placing it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up & down.

“So, do you feel good,” she asked.

“*cough* *choke* Erm, yeah,” I replied, staring unbelievably at where my hand was.

“I’ll bet you feel good,” she continued. “In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before.”

“Well, I have,” I corrected her. “You see, when I was 18 I made the Australian Under 19s side to play the South African under 19s side as the curtain-raiser for the Australian Wallabies vs South Africa Springboks match at Cape Town. Running out in front of at that stage 25,000 rugby-mad South African fans? Yeah, I have felt this good.”

I immediately bit my tongue for saying this & figured I’d blown whatever slim chance I had with her. She took my hand off her thigh & put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

“How do you feel now,” she purred.

“Great,” I replied enthusiastically.

Again, she said, “I’ll bet you do. In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt THIS good before!”

“Well, I have,” I again replied. “In that game, we were down by six points with about 10 seconds left in the match. The South Africans kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran upfield, side-stepping past the first few South African defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered & scored under the posts as the fulltime siren went. We were still behind by one point, but I had the easiest of goal-kicks left with which to win the match – I could have thrown it over I was that close. As I walked out to take the kick in front of what had grown to about 50,000 fans, savouring the moment, I felt 20 feet tall. So yeah, I have definitely felt this good.”

She got a bit miffed at this and pulled my hand from under her top, then thrust it down the front of her pants. My fingers immediately met what felt like a papercut framed by a wisp of cotton candy, and she was wet.

She snapped, “Well tell me this, smartass: Have you ever felt such a cunt?”

“Yup,” I answered, “I missed the kick.”

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

A young girl from Donegal, Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat..

Begorrah, Colleen,” says her mother. “Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin’ an’ it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?”
Colleen replies, “Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London?”

When the weekend’s over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she’s back to visit her mom a few months later. This
time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom . . . same, “Won it at bingo!”

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she’s back. This time she’s sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, “Mom! Sure now, didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!”

“Indade there is, me darlin,” replies her Mom. “But we don’t want ye gettin’ yer bingo card wet now, do we?”

You can never fool Mum!