Party Vibe

This guy knocks at the door, the door opens and there is a twelve year old boy standing there wearing stockings, suspenders and a lacey bra, holding a glass of red wine in one hand and a large cuban cigar in the other.

Somewhat taken aback, the guy says “Oh, erm, is your Mother in?”, and the boy says “What d’you fucking think?”

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.”
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the corpse’s arse, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes of stunned silence, they follow suit.

“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index.”

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a husband” she replies.
“O.K. do you have a boyfriend?” asks the Midwife
“No, no boyfriend either.” “
Do you have a partner then?”
“No, I’m unattached, I’ll be having my baby on my own.”

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black”
“Well,” replies the girl. “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.”
“Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the midwife, “that’s really none of my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”
“Well, yes,” the girl again replies, “you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.”
“Well, yes,” continues the girl, “I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a smack on the asre. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, “Thank fuck for that!”

“What do you mean?” says the midwife, shocked.
“Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark.”

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out so he has a quick look for it, as he’s on a bonus for bins emptied he goes round the back but still can’t see it so he knocks on the door.

There’s no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers…

“Harro”, says the happy jappy chappy.

“Alright mate, where’s your bin?” asks the dustman

“I bin on toilet” replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and
says “No mate, where’s ya dust bin?”

“I dust bin on toilet I told you” says the Japanese man

“Mate” says the dustman… “you’re misunderstanding me…Where’s your
wheely bin?”

“OK, OK” , says the Jap, “I wheely bin having wank”