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  • epic joke!!!!!!!!

    @killahertz 341300 wrote:

    Johnathon Ross has been arrested for nicking a kitchen utensil from Debenhams………He said afterwards “it was a whisk I was prepared to take”.

    LOL!

    Heard about them new courdroy pillows?

    been making headlines everywhere

    Josef Fritzl appeared on Family Fortunes the other week. He was doing really well until he was asked to name a place you take your kids for a treat.

    “Up the shitter” wasn’t one of the available answers.

    Two rats were in a sewer one turns to the other and says i hate this life shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner
    other one replies cheer up tomorrow we are on the piss

    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “Morning.” he replied, “no, just having a shit.”

    Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two quid.

    “Hang on, I have an idea,” Murphy said.

    He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

    “Are you crazy?” Seamus asked. “Now we don’t have any money at all!”

    “Don’t worry,” Murphy replied. “Just follow me.”

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

    “Now you’ve lost it,” Seamus said. “Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!”

    Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I have a plan.”

    They downed their drinks. Murphy said: “OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the 10th pub, Seamus said, “Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!”

    “How do you think I feel?” Murphy replied. “I’m so drunk I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”

    @killahertz 342609 wrote:

    Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two quid.

    “Hang on, I have an idea,” Murphy said.

    He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

    “Are you crazy?” Seamus asked. “Now we don’t have any money at all!”

    “Don’t worry,” Murphy replied. “Just follow me.”

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

    “Now you’ve lost it,” Seamus said. “Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!”

    Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I have a plan.”

    They downed their drinks. Murphy said: “OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the 10th pub, Seamus said, “Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!”

    “How do you think I feel?” Murphy replied. “I’m so drunk I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”

    :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

    @starlaugh 190632 wrote:

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

    After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling….about women drivers; the woman says, ‘So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

    Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’

    The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolis hed but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

    Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

    The woman replies, ‘No, I think I’ll just wait for the police….’

    MORAL OF THE STORY:
    Women can be clever, evil bitches.
    Don’t mess with them

    Hello,

    Too good, just love it.

    Regards,
    sarah_9

    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

    “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

    “I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

    At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

    His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

    The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

    Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

    Harry: “9.”

    Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

    Harry: “36.”

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

    Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: “Pockets.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

    Harry: “Pants.”

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

    Harry: “Coconut.”

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

    The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

    Harry: “Shake hands.”

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

    Harry: “Firetruck.”

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

    Got this weird text today – G, A ,B , N .

    I thought- that’s bang out of order !!

    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

    She was from Quality Street ; he was a Fisherman’s Friend.

    On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.

    He asked her name, ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said.

    ‘I’m the one with the nuts,’ he thought!

    Then he touched her Milky Way.

    They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

    It wasn’t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and TicTacs…

    Miss Rowntree wasn’t keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

    When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

    Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.

    Womens rights?

    only kidding :laugh_at:

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