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  • what does Mr Miyagi (Karate kid) do to relax? Wax off

    😉

    An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.

    ‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession.
    I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’

    The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
    Mary’s.’

    Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it
    has been two months since my last confession.. I’ve had sex with Fanny
    Green twice a week for the past two months.’

    This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
    ‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
    ‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
    At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a
    tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

    The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up
    the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green
    and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
    The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
    matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
    enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

    The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
    The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly
    reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.

    Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?……………

    @dollydaydream 356498 wrote:

    Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?……………

    nice, not heard that one :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:


      Staff

      @dollydaydream 356498 wrote:

      Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?……………

      Can’t seriously not see the fun in that :hopeless:

      Old McDonald had torrettes E-I-E-I C**t !!!!

      What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?……………………………………
      castrated..
      xxDDDxx

      What are the first signs of madness?
      – Suggs walking down your driveway.

      Girl finds a lantern , rubs it an out pops a genie.He gives her two wishes .
      she wishes for bigger tits .
      lo an behold she gets a 40dd rack.
      then she wishes for a really tight c***.

      she’ll give you a call later !

      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.[/FONT]
      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The first guy says, “It’s gotta be the booze. I’m always drunk.”
      The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
      The guy’s thinking, “Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.[/FONT]
      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The second guy says, “It’s the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife.”
      The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.[/FONT]
      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The third dude says, “It’s gotta be the bud. I’m always tokin’ up.”
      The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can’t believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.[/FONT]
      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
      He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. “I’ll never drink again!” he says. The devil says it’s good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. [/FONT]
      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. “I’m fucking gay!” he screams. The devil figures he’s learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.[/FONT]
      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
      The Devil asks him if he’s learned anything.
      The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, “Dude … you got a light?”[/FONT]

      [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
      [/FONT]

      xxDDDxx

      Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

      You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

      Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

      “How did you do over the weekend?”
      “Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever.”
      “10 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

      “I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
      “That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy)

      “Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever.”
      “50 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
      “Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison….”
      xxDDDxx

      Q: What’s the best thing about being a meth addict?
      A: Only one sleep till christmas.

      xxDDDxx

      @killahertz 356558 wrote:

      What are the first signs of madness?
      – Suggs walking down your driveway.

      great!! :laugh_at:

      A woman chats up this guy in a bar and asks him to go back to her place.

      Before they get to her place, the guy says “I’m a real pervert, r u sure about this ?”

      It’s OK says the (by now very hot and horny) woman and she leads him into her bedroom.

      Right says the guy to the woman, I want u to wear to ur kinkiest underwear, crotchless knickers, black stockings, high heels etc etc. Put all this on and lie on the bed with the pillow over ur head and ur bum in the air.

      The woman complies, getting more and more excited.

      5 mins go by, nothing happens, then another 5. After 15mins, the woman wonders what is going on, so she says “what are you doing, I thought u said u were a real pervert”

      “Yeah”, said the guy, “I just shat in ur handbag” …..

      A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the
      doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

      The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
      little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? `
      “Breast-fed ,”she replied. `
      “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. `
      She did. ` He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
      for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. `
      Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight.
      You don’t have any milk.” `
      “I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

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