Funny Jokes

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February 1, 2008 at 6:30 pm

#897555
6

Angel

@angel

Moderator
Staff
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,

“How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I
think I’ve got that going right now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward
his voice.”

“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round
sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you
like to play?”
>
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Stevie says, “Pick a night.”
February 1, 2008 at 6:32 pm

#897556
6

Angel

@angel

Moderator
Staff
A biker stops by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 160 Acacia Road?”

The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 176 Acacia Road. I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says: “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t pin me to the wall, and ravish me?”

The biker said, “Hey lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly pin you up against the wall and do that?

The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
February 1, 2008 at 6:34 pm

#897557
6

Angel

@angel

Moderator
Staff
A drunk man smelling strongly of beer sat down on a tube seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest looks at him steadily for a bit, and then replies:

“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with dirty prostitutes and a lack of bathing.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised;

“I’m very sorry, my Son, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had the arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
February 1, 2008 at 7:06 pm

#897230
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
:laugh_at:
February 4, 2008 at 8:22 pm

#897205
[deleted]

@[deleted]

Inactive
A history teacher asks a class full of kids “What was Churchill famous
for?”

A kid at the back shouts out “He was the last white man to be called
Winston!”
_______________________________

What’s the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

________________________________

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys
But really we shouldn’t make fun of macca. After all will he ever find
another woman to fill her shoe?
________________________________

Women eh!

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction,
colonic
irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows
plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets,
exercise and they STILL wont take it up the ar#e cause it ‘hurts’.
________________________________

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly
a
plane……
________________________________

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me…

“Oi, what’s your disability?”
I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!”
________________________________

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him,
he
can’t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

“Excuse me do I know you?” he asks. “Yes I think you are the father of
one
of my kids” she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
“Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?”

“No” she replies “I’m your son’s English teacher!”
________________________________

I said to the wife, “I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but
when I looked again it said ‘Thick Cut’ “
________________________________

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband “I must confess
darling, I
was a hooker!”.

He says “That’s alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that
I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it”.

She replies “Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !”.
________________________________

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the
kitchen
floor. He’s overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he’s
shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

“SISTER ROSE!!!” she roars “Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep
Father Duffy’s balls off the wet floor!!”
________________________________

A man says to his wife “tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at
the same time”.

His wife replies “You’ve got a bigger dick than your brother”
February 4, 2008 at 8:24 pm

#897206
[deleted]

@[deleted]

Inactive
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco’s when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife

“They’re on offer, only £10 for 12 cans”, he says

“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife and they carry on shopping…

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man,

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she says

the man replies… “SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT’S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE”
February 4, 2008 at 8:38 pm

#897231
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
Hahaha nice one Starlaugh awesome jokes:laugh_at:
February 4, 2008 at 8:46 pm

#897369
1

lilmstrixta

@lilmstrixta

Member
Bob goes into the public toilets and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor bugger is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Errr, OK, I’ll help you.”

The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”

Bob says, “OK.”

Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”

Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your prick?”

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it.”
February 4, 2008 at 8:50 pm

#897232
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:very good!:wink:
February 4, 2008 at 8:56 pm

#897370
1

lilmstrixta

@lilmstrixta

Member
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get
started.’

Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’

The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’

He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a
nice cup of tea, and then .’ he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .

‘Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’
February 4, 2008 at 8:58 pm

#897233
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
:laugh_at:
February 4, 2008 at 8:58 pm

#897371
1

lilmstrixta

@lilmstrixta

Member
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, how much will you charge me?”

The blonde quickly responded, “How about £50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the Blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
February 4, 2008 at 9:01 pm

#897234
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
Keep the blonde jokes coming, I’m gonna email em to my extremely dim blonde friend!:laugh_at:
February 4, 2008 at 9:07 pm

#897372
1

lilmstrixta

@lilmstrixta

Member
this is also quite funny i sent it to the wanna be fameoids in my office this afternoon http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI1AVUk
February 4, 2008 at 9:12 pm

#897235
1

GiantMidget

@giantmidget

Member
lilmstrixta wrote:

this is also quite funny i sent it to the wanna be fameoids in my office this afternoon http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI1AVUk

Haha that was well funny. good song as well! :laugh_at:
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