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  • Leaving Work Early!

    Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

    The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

    The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her dinner date.

    The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

    The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

    “No way!” the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday icon_exclaim.gif

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

    She steps out of her car and asks the man what’s wrong.

    “I feel terrible” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

    The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”
    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

    She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.

    He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

    It says..

    “Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

    Three blonds are on an island and they find a lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out.

    He says he’ll give each of them one wish.The first blond says “I wish I were twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out a way off this island” The genie turns her into a redhead, she builds a raft, and floats off the island.

    The second blond says “I wish I were ten times as smart as I am now, so I can figure out a way off this island.”The genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a plane, and flies off the island.
    The third blond says “I wish I were a hundred times as smart as I am now, so I can figure a way off this island” The genie turns her into a man and he takes the bridge.

    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from prison. Followed by the police, they scramble into a barn and hide in some burlap sacks.

    When the cops burst in, they kick the first sack and the brunette says “Meow.” The cops just think there’s a cat in the bag.

    They kick the second bag and the redhead says “Ruff Ruff.” The cops think there’s a dog in the bag.

    They kick the third bag and the blond says “POTATO.”

    A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.
    Doctor: “What is your dream about?”
    Blonde: “I am being chased by a vampire…”
    Doctor: “So, where are you in this dream?”
    Blonde: “I am running in a hallway.”
    Doctor: “Then what happens?”
    Blonde: “Well, that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won’t budge!”
    Doctor: “Does the door have any letters on it?”
    Blonde: “Yes.”
    Doctor: “And what do these letter spell?”
    Blonde: “P… U… L… L…”

    hahahahaha

    so funny thanks :weee:

    djprocess wrote:
    Three blonds are on an island and they find a lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out.

    He says he’ll give each of them one wish.The first blond says “I wish I were twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out a way off this island” The genie turns her into a redhead, she builds a raft, and floats off the island.

    The second blond says “I wish I were ten times as smart as I am now, so I can figure out a way off this island.”The genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a plane, and flies off the island.
    The third blond says “I wish I were a hundred times as smart as I am now, so I can figure a way off this island” The genie turns her into a man and he takes the bridge.

    hahahahaaaaaa

    There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

    The cucumber said, “Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad.”

    The pickle looks at him and says, “You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar.”

    The penis looks at him and says, “You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!.”

    It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. “However”, he said, “as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend.” The four nuns agree, and run off.

    Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “What did you do, Sister?” She replies, “I watched an R-rated movie.” The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, “You are forgiven.” Go and drink the holy water.” The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

    The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest replies, “OK, what happened?” She says, “I was driving my brother’s car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour’s dog and killed it.” The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, “You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.”

    The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “Out with it. What did you do?”

    She says, “Last night, I ran naked up and down main street!” The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, “God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water.” She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

    The priest asks her, “OK. What did you do that was so terribly funny?”

    The fourth nun replies, “I pissed in the holy water…”

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California. A new BMW appeared out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,

    RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?’

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers , ‘Sure, Why not?’

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resol ution page.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’

    ‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’

    ‘You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government’, says Bud.

    ‘Wow! That ‘s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that?’

    ‘No guessing required.’ answered the cowboy. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a Herd of sheep. . .

    Now give me back my dog

    djprocess wrote:
    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California. A new BMW appeared out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,

    RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?’

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers , ‘Sure, Why not?’

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resol ution page.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’

    ‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’

    ‘You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government’, says Bud.

    ‘Wow! That ‘s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that?’

    ‘No guessing required.’ answered the cowboy. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a Herd of sheep. . .

    Now give me back my dog

    haha thats a good un

    A 94 year old chap is tending to his front garden when he sees a frog. The frog says to him “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I’ll be your sex slave forever”.

    So the guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog says “Didn’t you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I’ll be your sex slave forever”.

    “At my age?” says the guy, “I’d rather have a talking frog”.

    :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

    A woman went to the doctor and asked his help to revive her man’s sex drive.
    “What about trying Viagara?” asks the doctor. “Not a chance” she said, “he won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”
    “No problem” replied the doctor, “drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things went.”

    A week later she returned to the doctor and the doctor inquired as to how things went.
    “Oh it was horrible, just terrible, doctor.”
    “What happened?” asked the doctor.
    “Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my knickers off and slipped me a length over the table. It was terrible.”
    “What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”
    “Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face in MacDonalds again.”

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