Party Vibe

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said, “Quick, bring me another beer.
It’s gonna start.”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.”

That’s it! She blows her top! “You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed. “Oh no – it’s started!”

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underpants….

40 gypsies die in a horrific caravan fire and get sent up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and says “I’ve only got room for 12, so I’ll give you 5 minutes to decide amongst yourselves which ones are going to stay………….

5 minutes later, St. Peter is talking to God.. “Fucking hell, they’ve gone!”, he says.

God replies, “What, all 40?”

“No, the fucking gates!”

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it’s final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto”.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?”

“Well,” says the pilot, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump…..after which, I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner….. and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night.”

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gotta take a shit first.”

A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. “I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!”. Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:”Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I’ll get the manager as soon as I can.”

When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:” Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?”
“Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here.”
The bloke retorts:”Screw you anus features. Where’s the fucking piano?”
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
“You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where’s the twatting piano?”
“Ah”, says the manager, “you’ve come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper.”
“Too fucking right”, came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. “Can you play any blues?”
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. “That’s superb”, gasps the manager. “What’s it called?”
“I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end”
The manager is a little perturbed. “Hmmm….well do you know any jazz?”
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
“What’s it called?”
“I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer”.
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. “Well do you know any romantic ballads?”
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. “That was fantastic”, crooned the manager. “What’s that one called?”, immediately wishing that he hadn’t asked.
“Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece”.

The manager finds the pianist’s language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting “Where the fuck is that pianist”. So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.

After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: “Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?”

“Know it”, replied the pianist, “I fucking wrote it!!”