Party Vibe

A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a bloke wakes one morning to
find his todger covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad
news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it”. The man looks a little
perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
doc”. The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going
to have to amputate your penis”.

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion”.
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice”.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease”.

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
what you can do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah,
always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, Thank Goodness!”, the man replies. “Yes”, says the Chinese doctor,
“You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself………. You save money”

Three Labrador retrievers – a brown, yellow and black – sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, “So why are you here?”

The brown lab replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle my owners bed.”
The black lab says, “So what is the vet going to do?”
“Gonna give me Prozac,” came the reply from the brown lab. “All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.” He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you here?”

The yellow lab says, ” I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the black lab inquired.
“Looks like Prozac for me too,” the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for.

I’m a humper,” the black lab says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, legs, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.”

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, “So, Prozac for you too, huh?”

The black lab says, “No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.

:crazy_diz

Many Chicago folks heard this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called “Mate Match”. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers “yes”, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: “Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”
DJ: “Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”
DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?” Brian: “Yes.”
DJ: “Yes? Does that mean you’re married or you’re what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sara.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she’s at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Brian! Stay with me here!”
Brian: “About 8 o’clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well…”
DJ: “Question #2 – How long did it last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.”
DJ: “Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?”
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I, well…”
DJ: “This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…”
DJ: “Uh huh…”
Brian: “…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this.”

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: “Okay audience, let’s call Sarah, shall we?” (touch tones…..ringing….)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Soooo ….. do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the hell are you up to?”
Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic’s game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
DJ: “Very good. Next question. How long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that, did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well…”
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

Sarah: “In the ass…..”

After a long pause, the DJ said, “Folks, we need to take a station break”