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Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any fucking bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any fucking bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!”
Duck says: “Got any nails?”
Barman says: “No”
Duck says: “Got any bread?
my favorite :laugh_at::laugh_at:
A young man gets invited round his girlfriend’s house to meet the family for the first time. He accepted, explaining that he had to pick up a new motorbike on the way round. The bike was a Harley. The previous owner, an old Hell’s Angel, said how he’d cared for it and cherished it. Before the lad left he was given a jar of vaseline.
“If it rains, rub this on to prevent rust” said the old owner.
On arrival at his girlfriend’s house the lad was met by the young lady.
“There’s something I have to explain,” she said. “We have a rule that the first person to speak during dinner has to do the washing up.”
When he went in and sat down there was dead silence. Throughout the first course not a word was spoken. As the main course was being served the lad decided to try an experiment. He grabbed his girlfriend, pulled down her knickers and made passionate love to her on the dining table.
Despite a few raised eyebrows nobody said anything.
A little bit later, feeling refreshed, the lad decided to try it again. This time, as the mother was bending over to pass the peas, he took her from behind in front of everyone.
Once again there was silence.
Feeling amorous again during desert, the young lad turned his attention to his girlfriend’s sister. Sitting her on top of her pavlova he proceded to eat her out.
Nobody spoke.
As the coffee was being served, the lad noticed that it had started raining. He stood up and got the vasaline out of his pocket, determined to follow the instructions of the old biker.
“All right,” yelled the father. “I’ll do the bloody washing up!”.
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought – “That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face”.
The large lady thought – “This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him”.
The Frenchman thought – “That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me”.
The Englishman thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again”
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing “We shall overcome”.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his “fair share” and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary
home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried
to blow up the airport because of Britain’s apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers’ drug ‘illness’.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.
The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain’s
multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for
failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought – “That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face”.
The large lady thought – “This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him”.
The Frenchman thought – “That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me”.
The Englishman thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again”
hahaha wicked joke
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse, when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
“I’m too young to die!”, she wails.
Then she yells,
“Well,if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
“I can make you feel like a woman,” he says.
He is gorgeous – tall, well built with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends his hand to the trembling woman and whispers …….
…..
…..
…..
“Iron this.”
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind.”
“Why, yes I remember it well dear.” replies the little old lady with a grin.
“Well, for old time’s sake, lets go there again and I’ll give you one from behind.”
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for a hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!”
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?”
The pensioner replies,
“Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn’t electrified.”
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out so he has a quick look for it, as he’s on a bonus for bins emptied he goes round the back but still can’t see it so he knocks on the door.
There’s no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers…
“Harro”, says the happy jappy chappy.
“Alright mate, where’s your bin?” asks the dustman
“I bin on toilet” replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and
says “No mate, where’s ya dust bin?”
“I dust bin on toilet I told you” says the Japanese man
“Mate” says the dustman… “you’re misunderstanding me…Where’s your
wheely bin?”
“OK, OK” , says the Jap, “I wheely bin having wank”
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!
I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his carer!”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed………
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said,
“I’m just pulling your leg.
He’s dead. What did you buy?”
A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The man, “Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life.”
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.? I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.? After the shop was locked up, the boss came down.? “How many sales did you make today?”
The salesman says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
“£50,237.64.”
“£50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?”
“First I sold him a some fish hooks.Then I sold him a new fishing rod.? Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4×4 Land Rover.”
The boss said, “Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and 4×4?”
“No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, “Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing.”
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response,
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language….”
“Why?” says the other, “That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
There’s an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says:” I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes!
The Scotsman says:”That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn’t even know she drank!”
With that the Irishman says:”Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a willy!”
You got tasteless…
You must admit … those green trainers are ghastly.
One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
“Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!” Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.
“You should have said, “The bull is surprising the cow” – not some filth you picked up in the City,” he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
“Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!”
The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, “Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot ‘surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know…”.
“Yes he can!” replies his obstinate nephew, “He’s fucking the horse!”
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