First, the basics. I embarked on the journey to hell that is IV meth addiction about 7 months ago, and I typically binge for 4-6 days every 4-6 weeks. By day 3, I’m invariably having visual and auditory disturbances (ie flickers, ripples but not intense or vivid enough to qualify as hallucinations), a severe compulsion to pick at my skin, and all the rest of the tweaker usual suspects.
After my last dose, i sleep and eat and feel sad and guilty for a few hours. It usually takes me 2-3 days to feel clear-headed and capable of intelligent conversation, to no longer feel high or spun out. I spend a few weeks struggling with mild depression and loss of pleasure in things (anhedonia), but aside from the challenges of being a dopaminergically-challenged novelist who is incapable of appreciating beauty, it’s become my predictable fiend-binge-recover routine.
Anyway this comedown is markedly different and I’m wondering why. The product was higher quality than usual, if that matters. From early Thursday to early Sunday, I shared about 2.5g with a friend, mostly shooting quarters with a little smoking in between. I remember almost nothing about the binge. It was like I couldn’t create new memories while on the stuff. I always get spacey but this was extreme. In fact, I’m still really struggling. I will think about walking the dogs, e.g., and a moment later be unsure whether I already walked them or just thought about walking them.
I have been trying to write this post for many hours and I’m only succeeding now because I’m having some lucidity that I’ve been lacking for days, up until a few minutes ago. For a couple days I’ve been psychotic. Vivid hallucinations, paranoia, confusion, emotional flatness, etc. I have no idea what I’ve been doing. I’ve gone mad. My last shot of meth was 24 hours prior to this post.
Why might I be psychotic when I do not usually have this reaction? Is it likely to go away when the meth is fully out of my system? If it lingers, might it be permanent? I’m starting to feel confused again, like reality is receding. I’m frightened. I don’t want to tell my doctor I’ve been using but I may need to get medical attention. I don’t know.
