Party Vibe

Not sure if this is the right area.

Im 27 started I started smoking gear at 16 for the first couple of years I was off and on the worst I got was only £10 a day which isnt bad I know but to me it was but I’ve never shit myself so I know it could be much worse. Around 20yr old I started smoking every day morning till night and I loved it. I had a big group of friends always active doing something living fast.

Some stuff went on and I decided to move away to south Hampshire from the midlands to hopfully escape it all. But within a month I felt boxed in and board so I searched out any street begger and offerd to buy him a bag if he gets me one. I jumped back into a large group doing the same as before, only this place was much bigger and everybody used needles I still carried on smoking tho phobic of needles thank god but I ended up going 2 bags a day and white here and there.

I blazed my mrs savings account 2k within afew months (the most selfish thing I ever did while active) my mrs didn’t take any drugs or even smoke cigs. Pretty soon she got pregnant we got pregnant even. I knew then at my height of addiction the clock had started I couldnt be a dad on heroin we argued I said dont worry ill be clean by time baby comes.

The months flew by and I hadn’t really done anything to reduce about 8months through I signed to a drug clinic first meth which I wanted so I could still smoke with friends even tho it wasnt any fun since they did pins so ide just be tooting on my own while there all fully engulfed. 2 weeks before baby’s due date I asked for subutex and got told no ther not available anymore.

I took the suboxone saying I need tablet form cos meth is just a top up or safty net to heroin. I hated it and was told just tell them your allergic to them say your tongue swelled up. I thought it weird but I didn’t believe in suboxone ive had subutex here and there growing up and was fully confident in those, so I did it expecting to be laughed at or analized but no they just said describe how so I made it up. Then the dr said ok here’s a subutex script.

I stayed home for a month baby was born but living in the midlands with my mrs parents we was pretty weak then our relationship could have broke any day. But I stayed in to adjust to the tex which was pretty simple but I had knowhere to go unless I wanted to see gear.

Pretty soon tho I started going out after my meds one day a friend offerd abit of powder as a good bye smoke I accepted it even tho ide had my tex and it’d probably cause a rattle but I did it. I said good bye you cunt and frazzled it on the spot not lovingly stroked it accross the foil just fudhe offf lol. After that I still hung around my friends but I was happy to just be there chatting laughing and not touching drugs.

I had been visiting my mrs and daughter a week here two weeks there but it wasn’t until she was five months we got a flat offerd so we all moved into that. I could have moved in with my mrs parents provided I gave my dog up which I flat out said no he’s a Staffordshire bull terrier amazing dog soft as but her posh parents wouldnt accept that. They tryed everything to either ejexlct the dog or split me and my gf I held strong one night I came very close as my gf was saying we’ll split if I dont which I couldn’t believe. I found out her parents had threatend to tell social services we have a staffy and baby and the gfs mum would take our baby. That was a relief as I finally found out why my mrs turned so cold and knew it was bollks social would never do that without cause and tests. So that was that.

We moved into our flat in a town ive never heard of same as Basingstoke tbh, we kept the dog secret to avoid tension to begin with ofcourse didn’t let him near our baby tho hes a clumsy lump and you would do this with any dog with a young baby. Hes been my strength tho if ide have lost him I really wouldnt have nobody for me right now. Im ther for my mrs and my daughter but I have social needs that Aren’t getting fulfilled. So my downtime is walking my dog and fighting off jack russles trying to destroy him he’s such a soft dog other dogs see him as prey. So the dog stuff was unjust only bcos gfs parents are posh.

We’ve been here three years now my subutex programme goes hot and cold I miss appointments so get kicked off and restarted subutex is holding me but its not touched the problem I want to use more than ever now. Im a ghost of myself I don’t have one friend can talk to I could go make friends I think but the guys I attract are usually into drugs so I haven’t pushed I have people I say hi to in the street mayb chat for afew minutes but were strangers still.

I love my family and I want to be strong for them and all of that and I will but I crave a social life so much right now im a recluse I go out when I have too mayb spend 2hrs outside on a good day collecting my meds , walking my dog and taking my child to the park or just a walk through the park.

I need to change I want a life I want my confidence and even my sense of humour back the best laugh I have now days is buzzing offmy daughter when sshe’s being crazy or singing to the tv. I cant stand being in crowds of people I feel like im dirty, a parasite I judge myself really hard. Im constantly worried about my health my heart is weird the dr says its anxiety but im not so sure wenever I lie down its pounding away chest is tight yet I feel calm.

Im worried about everything from health , appearance to prospects and aspirations or lack ther of I feel dead inside. I can block the gear out until im at clinic and hear the others talking about scoring in a min calling dealers in the waiting room I sit ther practising in my head how to ask for some too. Luckily before I get the nerbe im either in my room, or they’ve left. I dont think its the buzz I want its everything that comes with gear.

People think heroine addicts are all scum out for themselves this that but ive only seen that fro. A very small percentage from my groups over the years. A couple was dicks all in for themselves but most was good friends I’ve learnt alot from. Then there’s the missions inbetween scoring whatever it may be I miss that always having a goal.

I doubt im putting this out in the best way im sorry for that ill leave it here and add to it if need be.

My dreama are usually me and any old friend searching for gear getting the scent of the trail but always being judt behind it, like its at his house get ther oh its all gone now. Just searching maybe getting a glimpse but never getting to hold it. My teeth crumble in those dreams too I suppose thets to do with my worrys about my teeth after smoking it for 7yrs.

(So to anyone whos doing treatment and hopfully got away from known towns to reinforce the chance of quitting have you come through fully did you feel inadequate or anything and how did you or if your trying now figure it out?)

I know ive been very lucky in alot of ways and im very thankful for that. Ive been wanting to go to bars to meet people but dont think I can I would probably drink way too much fronting hiding my nervs im trying rc as a hobby which definitely helps thats a new addiction I love building those with custom engines and all of that but its not a social thing. Im going to buy a mountain bike this week to just try and get out more and hopfully get fitter.

My life is great in everyway is used to be bad but the good things from back then are stopping me enjoying life. I didnt give a flying frigg back then about peoples opinion , health or anything but now I do im struggling to adjust for sure.