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November 29, 2012 at 7:44 pm

#679523
1

Deezl

@deezl

Participant
Right, finally got the motivation and the time to type this little piece up; as a memory of the dark places i’ve been to and a warning to people, to remind them that no matter how invincible they feel, they aren’t.

Basically i’ve been addicted to mephe for a while now. First started using when we used to all go out together, have a few drinks etc. etc. and a gram would last 4 of us a whole night. Those were the days, where it didn’t even matter if we had the drug or not. It was about having a good time rather then taking large amounts of narcotics purely to get shitfaced (Which is what it later turned into..)

Fastward from around June last year, to around June this year and the tale is completely different. No friends at all, the only days i would look forward to is the friday where i would get some just to cain to myself.

Things did get better though, and i met my best pal. Never met someone who understands me, we’re pretty much the exact same and just generally get on like two peas in a pod right from the moment we met, he’s more like a brother then anything. Anyway, things got real bad again around 3 months ago and i ended up having sessions of just doing 5 grams to myself from around 7pm-11am, some times more sometimes less. Tolerance got really bad and i could take upwards of 400mg bombs with pretty much no effect.

Well last weekend i decided it was to be another session, why not… Ended up stitching up my best mate because i was on a comedown from hell having panic attacks and just generally feeling shit, and i also owed another friend money too but hadn’t paid her back despite being able too. Meph was more important. Now lost the few friends i did have, and i haven’t even spoken to my best friend since. That comedown was the worst and i had intense panic attacks and depression, was about 10 seconds from jumping off a bridge into four lanes of traffic but fortunately my old dear rang me, god i love that woman. Just been bunking off college and smoking weed all week because what else is there to do?

Finally decided im going to stop wallowing in self pity and fucking crack on. I don’t know how it’s going to go, having smoked weed for 4 years and only going out when on drugs for the past 2 or so its a pretty scary prospect to go drug free however silly that sounds.. Can’t even listen to trance tunes etc. anymore because the cravings get so bad that i get mini ghost rushes that are like smaller versions of meph rushes. Shit is like a parasite.

Gotta get rid of these problems one by one..

Ahh i also almost forgot about the poor memory its left me with, i used to have almost photographic memory and now i struggle to remember what i did yesterday (Okay, obviously only somethings but still.) Sometimes i’ll be in the middle of doing something and forget and its so frustrating! although this doesnt happen a lot. I also have crippling social anxiety, i feel like my body is shaking/twitching constantly when around people and get so self conscious. Also feel that i walk funny and so become hyper-aware of it and this is horrible too. Possible depression aswell, but i’m convinced(hoping anyway) that this is just down to dopamine disregulation and will all eventually subside.

The only light at the end of the tunnel for me right now is my weightlifting and hardcore exercising which i’ve got into, and my law work..

I only physically wanted to stop when i looked at myself in the mirror and said “You’re not a liar a cheat and a thief (Stolen money from family before, fucking disgusting.)” and broke down crying.

This stuff has warped me badly, this is nothing like who i was/who i want to be.

Anyway don’t know why i decided to type all this up but i’m glad i did, even though its not in any order whatsoever and probably makes little sense. sending you all good vibes and respect, one love :group_hug
November 29, 2012 at 8:07 pm

#795397
1

know_hope

@know_hope

Member
hey deezl,

thanks for sharing. altho u r doing lots of mephe and that and it seems like its been a long time, you’re still young and you can break out of this loop whenever. it’l be hard for a bit and maybe you’ll have to listen to something that doesn’t get you heart racing, but its all possible. you’re just fighting against habit and memory… all u need to do is start pushing back… grit you’re teeth, get a bit passionate about it. if u do this now it will help u in the future also if u get troubles again. at the beginning it may seem like an enormous task but little by little you’l see progress and then you’re exit… everyone makes mistakes, sometimes you have to walk against the tide to correct them

good luck and feel free to share you’re progress, lots of nice experienced druggies here to help u out x
November 29, 2012 at 8:30 pm

#795396
1

barrettone

@barrettone

Member
Hey man,

It’s good you are able to share this kind of information. The first step to solving a problem is recognising it exists, and knowing the variables of a situation, which it seems that you do.

In this case, my advice (and I’m only going on what I’ve learned from others) is to quit all the drugs and find other activities to “fill the void” so to speak. You can also substitute your “unhealthy” addictions for more healthy ones. Start eating healthy, keep exercising like you said, and just adopt a lifestyle that you feel is conducive to getting off the drugs. With things like this, the substance takes a hold of your life and shapes it in ways that accomodates it, so an effective way of fighting that is kicking it out and shaping your life in a way where it “doesn’t fit in,” so to speak. Then once you’re off it long enough you can go back to moderate use, and in some ways it may be easier for you because you now know when it’s too much.

There are plenty of ways of doing this though, just find the one that works best for you and best of all connect with people. You’d be surprised how many are willing to support you through difficult times. Spread love.
November 29, 2012 at 10:18 pm

#795398
1

Pat McDonald

@pat-mcdonald

Participant
Good luck with your cluck. Often, drug binges are an attempt to relive past “good times”.

The “best times” are the ones you really want to remember and build on. 🙂

Good luck on the social network rebuild – you CAN choose your friends.
November 29, 2012 at 10:32 pm

#795390
1

p0ly

@p0ly

Participant
If you don’t stop now you’re going to ruin your brain and life pure and simple. At your age I had a weed addiction before and then during 16 which definitely stunted my personal growth and life and then i started doing mdma every weekend but quit after a year and a half of use. I’d strongly advise to stop otherwise you’ll fuck everything up… stimulants will ruin your body and brain.
November 30, 2012 at 9:02 pm

#795400
1

Deezl

@deezl

Participant
Today has been much much better, got my best buddy back and i’m definately not fucking up this time. I’d strongly advise everyone to stay away from this shit. In the words of p0ly, its evil soul draining shit. Nuff said.
p0ly you remind me a lot of myself, as that’s pretty much the same as me apart from with mephe instead of MDMA, which i can’t take without clucking for mephe. Literally can’t take any drugs other then shrooms without getting ghost rushes.
When it gets to this point in your life you have to ask yourself; is it worth it?
My answer; no. Time for that shit to go 😀
November 30, 2012 at 9:52 pm

#795385
6

General Lighting

@general-lighting

Moderator
Staff
@Deezl 509266 wrote:

Today has been much much better, got my best buddy back and i’m definately not fucking up this time. I’d strongly advise everyone to stay away from this shit. In the words of p0ly, its evil soul draining shit.

although it was a good few years ago now (Deezl was not even born!) I remember the exact same thing happening to my friends at the time when strong MDMA pills first came out. A lot of them suffered serious mental health problems and/or got addicted to other worse substances (especially as the risks weren’t as well known). but one big difference with mephedrone etc is it goes from fun to sketchy paranoid comedowns after regular use even quicker than any other stimulant drug I have ever come across. that coupled with far greater availability of drugs these days is a real risk to those who do not stop or self regulate their use.
November 30, 2012 at 10:20 pm

#795401
1

Deezl

@deezl

Participant
@General Lighting 509280 wrote:

although it was a good few years ago now (Deezl was not even born!) I remember the exact same thing happening to my friends at the time when strong MDMA pills first came out. A lot of them suffered serious mental health problems and/or got addicted to other worse substances (especially as the risks weren’t as well known). but one big difference with mephedrone etc is it goes from fun to sketchy paranoid comedowns after regular use even quicker than any other stimulant drug I have ever come across. that coupled with far greater availability of drugs these days is a real risk to those who do not stop or self regulate their use.

Although i’m obviously speaking from just my experience, mephedrone is a lot worse than MDMA with regards to comedown/availabilty. The comedown is also made a lot worse due to the sheer amounts that people take, someone i know stayed up for 5 days and snorted and ounce to himself. I don’t know how he does it, thats just damn stupid. I also know of two people who have had seizures after staying up for days and snorting ridiculous amounts of the stuff. I’m not trying to justify the amounts i snorted though, to me 5 grams is still a ridiculous and unhealthy amount but i see that now.

He complains of chest pains and headaches all the time which leads me to believe he’s probably damaged heart valves or has a ridiculously high blood pressure, which wouldn’t be to hard to believe
December 4, 2012 at 2:50 pm

#795399
1

Winston Smith

@winston-smith

Member
Good luck, hows it going??

Oh and as others have said you will destroy your mind and body if you keep on this way. Can you get professional help?
December 4, 2012 at 4:42 pm

#795391
1

p0ly

@p0ly

Participant
You’re in prime age for learning key social skills too! Could really put you behind if you fail to sort it out.
December 4, 2012 at 4:51 pm

#795402
1

Deezl

@deezl

Participant
I’ve already fallen behind in that respect, which fucking depresses me, but i try to not let it get to me.
After 4 years of being on drugs with pretty much 85% of social interactions, i don’t know how to act, don’t know what to talk about, don’t know where to look and many other things. I’m like a social retard lol
Don’t do drugs kids
December 4, 2012 at 5:18 pm

#795403
1

Deezl

@deezl

Participant
Yeah i’m in college, it’s not actually to bad & i could be a lot worse. It’s just annoying seeing everyone in groups socialising etc. yet when i try it all dies off in 2 minutes and becomes awkward as fuck. I’m naturally shy too and alway have been which doesnt help. I think thats where my problem with mephe started because i became a confident motherfucker and went on pulling sprees.. But now that i look back that gives me hope cause i know i can do it
December 4, 2012 at 5:24 pm

#795386
6

General Lighting

@general-lighting

Moderator
Staff
socialising in college/6th form is difficult anyway even for those who are sober and most of the friendships formed in there rarely last beyond age 18 whether or not you go up to University.

TBH unless you are actually a sociopath and/or have serious mental health issues you are going to have “social skills” anyway (or you would have already. been isolated and/or institutionalised).

much of what people call “social skills” is linked to superficial human interactions/hedonism, for a superficial “friendship” or casual sexual encounter (or maybe both) and aren’t even needed for more important things in life like getting a job/long term career or stability in later life.
December 4, 2012 at 5:27 pm

#795404
1

Deezl

@deezl

Participant
@General Lighting 509832 wrote:

socialising in college/6th form is difficult anyway even for those who are sober and most of the friendships formed in there rarely last beyond age 18 whether or not you go up to University.

TBH unless you are actually a sociopath and/or have serious mental health issues you are going to have “social skills” anyway (or you would have already. been isolated and/or institutionalised).

much of what people call “social skills” is linked to superficial human interactions/hedonism, for a superficial “friendship” or casual sexual encounter (or maybe both) and aren’t even needed for more important things in life like getting a job/long term career or stability in later life.

Thats another way i’ve looked at it. Most conversations that the majority of them have are pointless anyway, and like you said the friendships are superficial. That’s why i’d say my only “friend” is my best friend, because we can actually talk about things that matter, and real things – not just general gossipy stuff. I’d say that yes, i have many aquaintances, but only one friend. Cause i know he’s the only one (besides family) who’d have my back, and likewise i’d return the favour.

On a note related to this thread, i feel so much better now having been off that stuff for 10 days, and the same for weed. It’s incredible how much they can distort your mindset. I feel fresher, and more motivated to actually do work etc.
December 4, 2012 at 5:52 pm

#795405
1

Deezl

@deezl

Participant
Yup, longest i’ve been off it for a good 2-3 months i’d say. I don’t know how/why i kept rinsing it in massive amounts weekly – doing that with any drug isn’t worth it imo, the experience just becomes habitual and boring. That’s why i don’t smoke weed weekly/daily or whatever anymore.. Best kept as an occasional thing so it a) costs you less and b) is a fun, fresh experience
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