Party Vibe

I was going to write a long reply about my experience. Over the last year I thought I was getting somewhere again, well, for the first time really. But over the last few months Ive felt myself slowly slipping back. Sometimes the fear of being depressed again is enough to get you down ironically.

Over the last few weeks its been particularly stressful that some of you might know but that added with what already was bothering me is starting to make me feel really shit again.

Its times like these where I wonder if im destined to be up and down all my life, and if I will ever be truly happy in myself. Fuck, id settle to feel even content consistently.

Its strange how I have alot of things I always wanted when I was depressed before, but now I see how true the saying goes “the grass is always greener on the other side”. I hang around with different people, i have loads of different friends and do loads more Interesting things. Yet now I feel even more lonely than before. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and I dont think im depressed again, im just very wary of going back to that dark place…

I wonder to myself If I will feel like this In a years time If I succeed In getting the things I want from life at the minute, and If I will have to start again with a new set of desires and needs. I know people have ups and downs but like I say, I dont want to fall into that hole again. Already Im noticing the early stages like from before, but obviously Im more aware now. Ive been burying my head In the sand and have managed to rack up 4 digit debts in the last month or so, Im fucking off my mates because I just dont give a fuck, or im getting wasted for the only reason to feel different to this now. I have no job and Im loosing the will to actually give a shit, although Ive taken some steps…

One major thing I know now though and understand, Is that depression is all about perception. Alot of the time not alot changes in your life, only your views towards things. Even if things have to change, things you might not necessarily be able to help, you need to think about your perception of the situation.

Its funny how I understand most of the thought process from when I was depressed before. Counselling helped alot, although it took a few different counsellors to find a good one. Even then though I had to work hard myself to understand. Its like been given an answer to a difficult sum on paper; you still need to understand how they got to that answer.

I think the biggest factor though to help these Is having someone to actually talk to. I think thats the biggest problem for me. I have a massive circle of friends, but none I connect with really. Even some who know alot about me or have helped me before, I still dont really feel anyone knows me, even if they do know deep things about me. How can you solve a problem like that? And If Im really honest, It would solve alot of my problems. Like I say, its about perception. Other things can be solved easily when you are in the right mood to do It.

I dont want sympathy or anything like that, Ive got a strong mind. I just like a ramble sometimes, and Its nice to get things off your chest.

It seems strange to me too how Id rather post this here, than actually tell anyone I know in daily life. Maybe because me revealing this wont actually influence my daily life, and I dont have to be around you folks knowing you know this, and you thinking you might have to act different.

Hmm, maybe I think too much too 😉

PS: Im sober & drug free today before It gets put down to that :weee:

Sorry this hasn’t actually been much help to anyone thats feeling depressed, I hope I haven’t made you pessimistic. Even if some of us are sat on a mental rollar coaster destined to go up and down, there is one thing for sure: if you are feeling anything but great, then you will definitely feel better soon 😉

Thanks for shareing,
you sound as if you have a lot of insight into what has gone on / is going on for you, the difficulty is change..

and maybe – as you say – thats why you posted on here – as we dont actually know you and can react to you and your posts in a different way than prehapps your family and friends can –

and sometimes its just good to get things off your chest and ventilate your feelings – without necessarily getting the answer…

You seem to have identified your on a downward spiral –

I dont know what the answer is –

it might sort its self out with you just changing things on a day to day basis, you may need to talk to your GP about anti depressants (to stabilise your mood or ‘pick you up enough’ to be able to get things moving) you may want to re-investigate councelling,
but dont think others will think your ‘moaning’ or wanting ‘sympathy’ loads of us have been here and its comforting to know your not alone when it can feel a realy isolating place to be in, you dont have to justify your emotions


but to be really frank in my experience when things are like this the best thing to do is to lay off the substances for a while (as you’ve said you’ve done) as you cant assess your own mental health / state if your on something – to know whats what – as some of it could be a combination of your mood and the come down / effect of the substance and again in my experience they can just prolong the problem when it comes to low mood etc, althought in the immediate they can feel as if they’re helping… which I’m sure your aware of

let us know how you get on, and always know there are people here to listen – we may not be able to help but we are here :group_hug

Thanks for your time, you two. :group_hug

Feeling slightly more optimistic today, although things are still bothering me. I think once Ive sorted out this cash problem, and sorted out a job – things will start to look a bit better.

I think you are right about the substances TG… I never like to admit it, but sometimes comedowns hit me ALOT harder these days, especially when Ive got worries In every day life. Sometimes they are comparable to when I was depressed, something that doesn’t seem worth one good weekend, for 3 days worth of being down … The next few weeks I think I’ll just get shitfaced, and avoid the uppers 😀 Cost too much partying anything but local anyway.

Now for my opinion on anti-depressants. I took them for around I year I think. 20mg of prozac if that sounds right. I found after a few months things picked up alot, but after a while my emotions seemed muffled. This was a good thing though, because I was having really bad mood swings from complete depression, to extreme anger – I mean anger like Id never felt before or even since. They gave me time to think more about how I should react to things and gave me the neutral mindedness to make an emotion based on rationality, rather than automatic thoughts.

After quite a long time though, i decided to take myself off them, and I stopped seeing the councillor off my own back. It is advised you lower the dose and what not, but I think I was at an Important stage where I felt I was taking back control myself, and I was on a roll. So fuck the pills and the doctors 😉

I think really another important thing with depression, is to be able to trust yourself enough to know you’re not just feeling down, or that you’re DEFINITELY not being weak minded. The quicker you go to the doctors and start getting help medicinally and counselling wise, the quicker you can start to get sorted.

Although you might think this is a really unlucky thing to happen to you, just know that when It sorted out, you will have a very strong mind, and alot better understanding of how your mind works. Once you are truly recovered, which may take quite along time to get your confidence back (Im not sure Im even there) I believe you’ll be able to live through any life challenge 😉

I do feel slightly daft, because I do feel quite a bit better today. If Im honest I put myself through some really heavy weekends. Ironic how such good times can have such bad after affects! Dont do drugs kids :love:

I’ve noticed a distinct slow down on my attitude over the last couple of weeks. Time to get my arse to a few lively classes at the gym to shake myself out of it otherwise I’ll spend the whole of the winter hiding in my duvet or lamenting until I can get back to it.

:group_hug:love: