Forums › Drugs › Drug Addiction & Recovery › My boyfriend is a Heroin Addict…
It’s a really good thing that you realized this before it was too late:wink: .
Prettystoked i think what everyone else has said has pretty much covered it.. it may seem harsh and hard but he needs to do it for himself and not for anyone else he needs to realise that he needs to make the effort to get clean…
I hope everything works out for you and if you need help or ppl to talk to there are plenty of people on here that can give you advice as you’ve seen.. they’re a good lot on here. that’s why its my home from home 😉
Still going strong and feel more motivated by the day. Thanks for the hug and support:wink: . BTW I hope you don’t mind me becoming a resident in this home:flowers:
its a big house and we gain strength through diversity:wink:
:love:
Bless……:love:
:love:
Hey Raj pity it’s not a physical home. I could do with one right now:groucho: :groucho:
:groucho: :groucho: :groucho: :biggreen::biggreen::biggreen:
good luck finding one:wink:
I need ADVICE
So it started in 04 when i met him, he was so cute, awesome, fun, like a little kid, he was 25 and i was 19. I met him one night through mutual friends who warned me about him. i noticed he had beads around his neck, i asked if they meant anything he said he was a recovering addict. Well little naive me was just like oh, so hes recovering, that means hes all better, yay. well i had no idea what heroin was about, i am a recreational pot smoker and never met anyone who was addicted to anything but pot. so we dated, and had a great time. he is a good person inside and wouldnt hurt a soul. well i started to notice that he was acting funny sometimes, like almost falling asleep at random moments, shutting his eyes and opening them for a bit???? i noticed there were red scabs on his shoulders and scars from scratch marks??? itchy much?? his mom told me he was on it again but he didnt want to tell me, i asked him so many times but he swore he wasnt. i broke up with him when i found out, although he said he was going to get help.
but after 2 weeks i couldnt bear to not see him, i fell in love with this guy soo quickly… well he became an asshole and was aweful, i saw him one night out and was just horrible, but i could tell he was high, so i didnt hold it against him, it just really hurt for a while.
i ran into him one night after he got out of rehab, he said he missed me and of course i could not resist. he wanted to hang out so bad, we talked on the phone and made plans, but he just didnt show up, i didnt see him for the whole summer after that and just thought about him all the time.
i ended up calling him on his birthday that september. we started dating again after we talked and he told me he had been clean after going to rehab, he was just afraid to be with me or hurt me again. we dated until i left to leave the country in jan of this year, so this is where i need the help……..
i returned this mid summer, we kept in touch a bit and couldnt wait to see each other. i called him and he seemed dull sounding and wasnt as excited as i was to see him!! this hurt, but whatever, he had some excuse for being tired o well. he hung out and have been for the past couple weeks. NOW like 2 times ive noticed the sleepy thing he does, he looks flushed and his face is sweaty, he blinks slow, in the car the other day he shut his eyes while driving and looked like falling asleep. i yelled at him, he was like what! im just tired. but yeah right, no one does that?? his mom told me this morning that he has the scabs on his arms again, i saw a brand new one yesterday and am totally freaking out again, his sex drive is kind of low, and when we do make it, it takes forevvvverrr for him to get off.. i just got so tired one night so i was like do it yourself, he said he couldnt, he cant turn himself on??
I love him so much, and have loved him since 04, he did the rehab thing, but i know he needs to do it again now or needs some type of mentoring. he doesnt go to any meetings during the week and doesnt take meds. one big problem though is that he lies to everyone, his family, friends, and ME, but not his one drug addict friend!! i just wish he would be truthful with me, i love him unconditionally, i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel as if he hates it that i dont trust him and i keep asking him… theres no way of catching him, hes so clean about it, but i dont want to catch him, i dont know what i want.
i just want to be there for him….
please leave any advice, addicts who had relationships, please let me know how i can make him open up to me, and his problem! i cant tell if hes lying to everyone just so they dont find out, or if hes lying to himself. i just dont think he wants anyone to realize hes failed again. how do i even have this conversation with him when he denies me?
– Lu
Thank you all for taking the time to understand my situation and give me awesome advice. to those of you who are addicts and trying to recover, good fucking luck, ive never been this close to an addict before in my life, and i honestly understand how hard it is. its an ongoing life process of rebuilding and breaking down, it will take a lifetime to fix, but it can be done. kudos, and the best.
So just the day after i wrote this, i spoke with some close friends who advised me to fucking talk to him and just try to get things out of him, and talk about life and what he wants from this world and what not.. i was getting everything ready to say, i asnt going to pressure him to tell me anything or force him to change, but i was just going to have a one on one with him, a true heart to heart, which we never did before. well before i had the chance, he called me and told me he basically told everyone everything, took a week off work to detox, and wants to get the shit out of his life for good. wow, that was a surprise, i didnt have to worry about what i was going to say!
that was saturday and he did what he had to do to not get sick and get mentally prepared for sunday, his first day of sobriety. that saturday night he got all fucked up, which i didnt think was right, but hey go out with a bang right? so after coming back he broke down and told me everything and how he’s been doing heroin since 03, and has been doing every other drug for the past 7 years total. he told me he hit rock bottom for the first time in his life, and hes willing to do everything possible to change. I told him, as something came up earlier that night, that i was not his girlfriend, that im just anyone that he wants me to be labeled as, but basically im going to be a person that is there for him, that will support him, lead him in the right direction and wont give up on him.
so the first day wasnt bad, he took a pill and a half of methadone, which he is treating himself with.. i really wanted him to go to rehab, but he claims its too expensive, and it draws out the process, he just wants it out. this i dont understand, but i know he wont get addicted to methadone, as he would just shoot heroin if he wanted to be addicted to anything.
so i spent the whole day with him taking care of him, rubbing his aching body, i took him to eat, and then i sat him on the beach at nighttime and talked to him about life and what aspirations he has.
i told him, and please give me advice here, that he basically needs to do a 360. he needs to get a new job, he needs to move out of his parents house ( hes 27) and get his own place, start paying for his own shit, cut off his mom, because she pays for everything and anything, get his haircut, buy new clothes. just really start from the begining, erase everything from the past when you were doing heroin, but keep the aweful memories. i believe that he needs to become a whole entire new person, meet new friends, move into a different place, change his comforter, everything. start making money and paying for rent and everything else, like any other normal 27 year old in our society. once that gets steady then he can start to save, start working on his music and band again, and proceed from there. how does this sound?
so he’s been addicted for at least a couple of years… it typically takes around ten years for an addict to actually change their behaviour
13 in my case:groucho: :groucho:
It takes time to change behaviour but hey we can change, just a thought but have u thought about what u can do for yourself, i dont want to sound like im advocating anything but to truley understand addiction FA (Famialies annonymous) really helps.
I say this with no knowledge myself, only what my sister told me when i went to see her to make some long over due financial amends this last week gone, she told em she went there to speak woth other people in the same situatuion as her a loved one, family member, or partner in addiction.
She said it ws really gud to have the support from people who REALLY knew what she was going threw. Also the solutions they all had to deal with the situations that partners of addicts continually get in.
this also helps stop the addiction as u learn how not to enable the addicted person, and also how to cope with the pain of changing ur own habbits.
The support really helped her and without me knowing at the time it was a great part of the catalyst in getting me in recovery myself.
No mind altering chemicals including pot, and alchol have been in my body for nearly 3 yrs now. It CAN be done.
Hope u find some support for yourself, and rember always its nothing personal some of the things ive done to get a hit, or get money together were to loved ones including partners. And i can say from the bottom of my soul knowing now that ive been clean and mind clean for some time as a person not on drugs or with that dependancey they wudnt even come into my coincsious thoughts….and dont.
Gud luck and its great uve shared ur feelings and struggle, people like u open the door for someone else to speak up and feel a relife from the shame and silence there feeling….
Hope all keeps on the right path…:D
Hey DJscripture I’m really interested in how you managed to achieve sobriety. Was you on gear or/and other opiates and for how long??????
How did you manage this wonderful turn around in your life????
Your experience and thoughts would be much appreciated 😉
A marvellous story with a wonderful ending.
:love:
hi Pretty Stoked
fingers crossed he does sort himself outraaaraaaraaa
WRT what he needs to do:
he needs to get away from all the people and social situations which remind him of being on heroin, scoring and also to work out what his triggers are [triggers are whatever situations etc cause him to think of taking heroin or to want to]
ideally lose all the phone numbers, his and theirs, which will make it harder to relapse:wink:
he may find it helpful to make a list of why he is cleaning up and keep it somewhere [like on the wall of his bedroom] where he can see it all the time and the reasons for giving up too just to keep him motivated:bounce_fl:bounce_fl:bounce_fl
in his position i would make contact with an experienced drugs worker if he hasnt already to help him through some of the stuff and keep him focused on getting clean; its unfair to expect your family/friends to provide all this support as some of it may be intensely difficult for them
he may find it constructive to have some short term goals and rewards for achieving them – for example 24 hours clean go and buy himself a small treat [eg a new piece of vinyl if he were a DJ for instance], 3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, etc other suitable small rewards [ TBH just the savings from paying from heroin would make this feasible:wink:]
as he detoxes his emotions will come out of the freezer they have been in and he may at time find them overwhelming – counselling or meditation may help with dealing with this. {While on opiates you are detached and insulated from your emotions and as they start to return it is like going through the day with all your emotions on the surface of your skin and raw and everything [pretty much ] can seem like coarse sandpaper being used on them; even the smallest things can be difficult} even just stopping and breathing deeply for a couple of minutes will be a benefit this gets better as you get used to opiate free life again and is definitely worth the trouble:groucho:
he likely will have little or no selfconfidence and self worth – praise all the little improvements you see [make a point of doing this – it is an enormous help]
Point of note: dont gush or tell falsehoods – his radar is likely to be finely tuned for bullshit detection especially after he has been clean for a couple of days:wink:
something to keep him busy during the day and regular activities to structure his life around may be helpful to differentiate the clean life from the chaotic junkie lifestyle
going to stop now; may come back to this later if any other gems occur to me and other people may post things they found particularly helpful [hint hint guys:wink:]
wish him all the best getting clean from me
raj
Any thoughts on becoming a counsellor raj?:groucho: :groucho:
Because you’d certainly make a good one:wink:
Gosh there are so many bad ones out there as well. I’m off for some acupunture to day as well as a session with my key worker. Alternative/ayurvedi treatment definitely helps a recovering addict and I would recommend it to anyone who is on a detox programme. It helps with the anxiety associated with detoxing and is very relaxing. I could do with a bed when I finish my acupunture session:yawn: .
And I think the best point you made raj was to make a list of all the negative apects about going back to H (even for one day) and keep it in a handy place. This way, when the cravings kick in you can immediately look at the bigger picture of why it would be best to leave the junk well alone. I also find stretching and breathing exercises a great help when detoxing and joining a yoga class would be absolutely very benefitial. Mind occupation is the key to success when doing a detox and there are plenty of ways of achieving this when using a tad of initiative.
Hope this is of some help. All my love and support to recovering addicts.
S. AKA Agent Subby.:love: :love:
fingers crossed he does sort himself outraaaraaaraaa
WRT what he needs to do:
he needs to get away from all the people and social situations which remind him of being on heroin, scoring and also to work out what his triggers are [triggers are whatever situations etc cause him to think of taking heroin or to want to]
ideally lose all the phone numbers, his and theirs, which will make it harder to relapse:wink:
he may find it helpful to make a list of why he is cleaning up and keep it somewhere [like on the wall of his bedroom] where he can see it all the time and the reasons for giving up too just to keep him motivated:bounce_fl:bounce_fl:bounce_fl
in his position i would make contact with an experienced drugs worker if he hasnt already to help him through some of the stuff and keep him focused on getting clean; its unfair to expect your family/friends to provide all this support as some of it may be intensely difficult for them
he may find it constructive to have some short term goals and rewards for achieving them – for example 24 hours clean go and buy himself a small treat [eg a new piece of vinyl if he were a DJ for instance], 3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, etc other suitable small rewards [ TBH just the savings from paying from heroin would make this feasible:wink:]
as he detoxes his emotions will come out of the freezer they have been in and he may at time find them overwhelming – counselling or meditation may help with dealing with this. {While on opiates you are detached and insulated from your emotions and as they start to return it is like going through the day with all your emotions on the surface of your skin and raw and everything [pretty much ] can seem like coarse sandpaper being used on them; even the smallest things can be difficult} even just stopping and breathing deeply for a couple of minutes will be a benefit this gets better as you get used to opiate free life again and is definitely worth the trouble:groucho:
he likely will have little or no selfconfidence and self worth – praise all the little improvements you see [make a point of doing this – it is an enormous help]
Point of note: dont gush or tell falsehoods – his radar is likely to be finely tuned for bullshit detection especially after he has been clean for a couple of days:wink:
something to keep him busy during the day and regular activities to structure his life around may be helpful to differentiate the clean life from the chaotic junkie lifestyle
going to stop now; may come back to this later if any other gems occur to me and other people may post things they found particularly helpful [hint hint guys:wink:]
wish him all the best getting clean from me
raj
Thanks raj and agt subby! youre experiences will definitely help my friend. I wrote all these great pointers down, and will relay the messages to him. hah i actually mentioned yoga the other day and he was just like… what would all the women in that class think when they see guy with a mohawk in that class, i cant even stretch my leg in the air… haha. its great, he wants the help, hes there, and my suggestions stay in his mind, so this is good progress for him.
i mentioned to him not to drink alcohol, as many programs and everyone that ive spoken to say to keep away!! he does not like that idea at all, he tried to make me a promise for one month of sobriety, but i was just like listen, just stay away from it until you have normality and your life on track… that he agreed to and i was happy, but im sure he thinks he has it all figured out, hah.
its funny his parents are from brazil, and his mom mentioned to him to just go there and hang out for a while. and i thought about it, and im going to research and find retreat centers out there that experience mind and body realizations and have excursions into the amazon and stuff, i want him to find himself in some way, hes totally agnostic and doesnt believe in anything. so my idea is to get him to do something spiritual but not religous, unfortunately.
help me out on this.. hes 27 and still living in his parents house, because they give him their credit cards and basically feed his addiction. he has no bills, and has a job, so all the money he makes can go to drugs or buying fun stuff. shouldnt i suggest moving out sometime in the future? but when? how soon? i know he needs to recover and get some of his shit together. but the more hes in that house, the more it will remind him of how he did drugs everyday and would go sit in that room that hes had. his mother also really bothers the fuck out of him, i cant understand why he stays, but its obviously the drugs. they are also moving out in 6 months and giving him that place or whatever, but 6 months can turn into 8, i just think he shouldnt wait for that, should start paying bills and have responsibilities like all the other 27 year olds in the world… just when is the question?
also the job thing… wouldnt it be ideal for him to get a new job? every day he would shoot up, and would go to work, and would do that habitually since december… i feel like he should get rid of everything that he did heroin with or reminds him of.. hes a chef, so its not like its hard at all for him to get a new job.
my perfect recover would be for him to finish detoxing this week, then send him off to brazil for some RnR and spiritual recovery, cut off from his mom’s money, and then to come back, go to the meetings, see a psychotherapist once a week, get a new job, new clothes, move his room around, wash his car, save money, and then get his own place.
im glad you guys are here, it feels good to be supported, and to get valuable help from the experienced. i hope you are all fulfilled in your lives, and continue to prosper. I will continue to work hard to be his motivation and support, i constantly remind him that he cant do it alone, and there is a reason why i am in his life, and this is it.
AMEN! raaa
Alina
:love:
I will continue to work hard to be his motivation
Please remember (however hard) that this is HIS life and these are HIS choices to make,
HE needs to decide what his ‘perfect recovery’ is and what HIS motivation is.
Only he can be responsible for his life and if now is not the time for him to get clean that is his choice, and what ever you say or do will not matter
It is easy to become prescriptive and get lost in trying to save someone you care about when actually if HE wants it HE will do it
Best wishes to him at this difficult time
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