errr so 1 year ago today my dad died… why am i sharing this here, fuck knows, but i do know a few of you now so……… a year ago god ripped my heart out with a wooden spoon (sorry for the drama but you know, thats taxed drugs for you and i’ve had a few of them)… i thought at this point i would continue the feeling that a year feels like an eternity and feels like yesterday but actually in the last few months i’ve realised thats not true, memories are fading and its almost like this person that did everything for me, worked like a dog for us… he may well have never existed pretty soon with the memory i have except bad painful ones. this is partly cos i was stuck out of the country with some semi psychotic girl… and i knew in my mind somehow, some telepathy thta something was wrong and it was time to leave but i couldn’t and when i got back it was already in process… blood cancer is quick and brutal… you leave and all is well, you come back and ones almost dead and the other’s on a journey to becoming a cripple cos the nhs dont actually treat people they just make them wait… there’s nothing quite like the feeling of holding your dads cold dead hands and looking at his shell of a body having been talking to him (in lots of pain) minutes before, having bought him a chinese take away the night before cos hospital food has the nutritional value of a shit in your hand. death is easier to accept when its someone that is old and their life is pretty much over other than waiting for the hammer to fall but when its someone healthy, working, really alive, its ummmm a bit difficult, especially when he was the ‘healthy’ one of the family… so we’re going to go to some forest later to a place he used to go a lot and where we dumped his ashes… hav a meal and chat shit… i know this is something that in some way happens to everyone, but if it hasn’t, enjoy your family’s health and your own while it lasts, say and do what you’ve got to while you have the chance, appreciate every moment, it is finite…
