Party Vibe

The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.

The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in

Sheffield have had to remove from people’s backsides or genitals. Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

Speaking of the vicar, A & E nurse Trudi Watson, of Sheffield’s Northern General Hospital, said:
“He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.
“But it’s not for me to question his story. He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

She advised anyone tempted to use such objects in sex games to think again.
“It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening,” she said. “Surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring, and it could possibly end up with the person
having to use a colostomy bag as a result.”

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents. “But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

A vicar came in once with a potato stuck up his bum.

He was mid-fifties, with grey hair and well spoken. He walked in and said: ‘I’ve had an accident.’ He explained to me, quite sincerely, that he had been hanging some curtains, naked, in the kitchen, when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato. It’s not for me to question his story but it was a big potato. More baked potato size than Jersey. He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.

Most people with these sorts of problems walk into A&E.
But not many sit down when they get here.

Sex-related cases are relatively rare.
They’re known as ‘foreign bodies’.

The vast majority of cases are men, although we do see a few women. Men tend to stick things up their bums and the items end up disappearing into their bowels and intestines. And they go on for miles. With women, there’s only so far things can go.

Sometimes you can poke around and get the thing out. Other times, it requires surgery.
We had an Asian man come in. He was in his fifties, too. He said he’d been messing around with a deodorant. It was a big canister and it had gone right up into his large bowel. The thing is, people use lubricant to get them in, and they go in round end first. The other ends are never rounded and that’s why they get stuck. We had to cut him open to get it out.

A young lad came in, in his early twenties. He had a long jacket on, opened it, and there it was. He had got a carnation stuck in his willy. He said he’s been doing it for pleasure. I’ve never seen that before and doubt I’ll see it again. All the nurses came round for a look.

One couple got suctioned together in the bathand had to call the paramedics to prise them apart.

We had a fatality where the man had been with a prostitute and died during sex. He was wearing a cock ring so still had an erection. That caused quite a stir. His wife came to the hospital and I remember she was very well spoken and we had to break the news to her. Well, she wasn’t very happy about it.

Having someone come in with something stuck up themselves can be the highlight of a shift. Some people are straight with us,others make up excuses. But it doesn’t happen by accident, I can assure you of that.

My advice? Don’t do it.

It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening. The surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring and possibly end up with the person having to use a colostomy bag as a result.
If you are going to do it, hang on. Or tie a piece of string to it.

A woman came in with a vibrator stuck up her. She had a large anatomy. She was a big woman, in every sense. The thing was, the vibrator was still on.

Trudi Watson is a senior staff nurse at the Northern General Hospital in Sheffield

BE AFRAID! :yakk:

One morning around 5am, 22-year-old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was a severe kind of urinary pain she had never felt the likes of before.It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push andsquirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.

She was screaming wildly and the neighbours called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bathrobe.

Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg, which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of
mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.

The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in.

When he put his face down into the toilet to puke, what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.

The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace.

If you think that is bad – wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci’s death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.

Police believe that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature’s tail into her vagina to derive physical pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature’s face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci’s DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters’ tail joints. The lobster’s face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.

The lobster’s digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci’s vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period.

Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp, which are a much larger version of the popular “Sea Monkey” pets sold throughout the US. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes!!!

You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet………